come back down 11.3.08

For certain reasons I haven't updated in what I consider in a long time. But if I were to update before this, I was going to talk about the same thing in each entry, so I decided not to talk about it at all. Then this time, it's a different thing.

It was suddenly here, today, for a moment I couldn't identify what the heck it was. Some would say it is really no biggie of a problem but honestly, I know how bad it was. It affected my semester last year. Seems like whatever that existed long ago as I recalled to be the worst thing in my life is happening again now. That pain is building up inside, and I wasn't sure how it began building up in the first place, just like I wasn't sure how to explain the reasons of why it happened. Depression. Anxiety. I thought I got over this, I thought the last tragedy of thaipusam would not repeat itself. I wouldn't wanna spend a day in the room on a public holiday, suddenly finding myself feeling almost choked up inside, as if my world was going to stumble and I was really going to die somehow, and there was no escape. And on that particular day I just dropped down; to find myself crying after my Asar prayer, not even taking my telekung off, without being able to find a cause, then running straight into my housemate's room and lay on her bed; tears then kept coming out without a sound anymore, as I kept quiet, with I dunno-what in my head, barely moving my body by a single bit as I lay on my housemate's bed, much to her concern. Little pieces of round, edible thing I took orally, supposed to save me, but somehow I think it had another effect on me of Allah-knows-what, wallahualam, not that I intentionally just want to blame everything on this drug I have been taking since over a year ago; it's just that generally speaking, drugs can be unpredictable. If a simple sugar pill of placebo can somehow psychologically affect clinical trials, so can real pharmaceutical drugs - it could affect people in many ways people never thought imaginable. I have been researching for psychiatric drugs, and I have also been taking some of it for myself, so I know quite some lot about this particular type of drug. If it doesn't show its effects today, maybe tomorrow it would, or some time tomorrow, or some long time from now, we never know, which can be influenced by environmental factors, or the things or people around us. I never felt this way for the longest time now, the last time was some several months ago last year, of feeling like I could really die because of the depressive feeling I had in between me. I remember I felt I would rather die one afternoon after class during ausmat, and I went off to mcdonalds to try to make myself feel better by having lunch there all alone rather than having lunch at cemara with my classmates. A contributing factor here now could be that I have no idea what is going on around me here in monash, I have been incredibly slow in trying to cope with things around me and I feel like I could barely do it. Things going on now are not how it was before… it used to be quite different in a way. I don't know who to tell these things to since they are so complicated, not the typical problems that other people can probably see-through, even though, all problems can be told to friends but never solved by them - it does at least make a difference just by sharing; but still, it's not that simple by me. It's not a matter of saying "I have a pimple" as a simple problem to another friend, knowing the other friend can't solve it for you but you say it to make yourself feel better, just by sharing your problem - it doesn't work this way, though, not for my case. This is something concerning what I feel, and if this sounds nuts then be it: my own mental health. There was someone I used to confide to, but why, I miss it… for a reason I can't identify, we don't contact each other as often as we used to before. I don't know now, I really don't know. I could be frowning hard by this hour, and laugh hard by the next minute, and frown again by the next second. The happiness isn't there to stay. Only I'd know how bad this is gonna get and I don't know if it would grow worse than it ever was than in ausmat last year. Ya Allah, why is it coming back to me?