the way 6.6.08

i had to disagree, somehow.

living around with her, i feel like i am living with the me that was before. in a way, i do not blame her in what she is doing, as she is doing it for herself, her own future, her own life. it does not seem wrong, in fact it's a noble thing. but then there are days when i am not sure if i could live with it; things, certain things, do have limits. some things she did, i fail to like or agree with. working hard is good, but this is an incorrect way of doing it.

but i could imagine it in my head now. the way i was.

sitting at my place, there i was. in my room of 4 people, i thought mrsm life here wouldn't be so bad. those other girls seem quite nice. but i didn't know why. i spent the entire first day here at this school, keeping quiet. as me and others exchanged names, i thought i now had friends here. this was what i wanted. i needed a change.

but then i failed. i failed to talk. instead i gave creepy glances. as i feared people. the more i fear, the more strangely i act around them. i noticed, the more they stayed away from me. and so i found that i did not have friends. good grades or not. T_T

haven't i tried enough? am i dumb? why didn't anyone wanna be around me? am i hated? am i actually being bullied? teased?

i decided, fine. i could live on my own. one can never really depend on other people other than themselves. so i depend on no one - i only had myself.

i stood by these words. "no one could ever be my best friend other than myself."

it sounded absurd, arrogant, even worthless and oblivious even, etc etc. but i felt like i had no other choice. this was what the situation around me was forcing me to be. they were ignoring me. they didn't care about me.

then i too, needed nobody. i could succeed on my own. that would be the only thing i would chase for - i was smart, and i could succeed fine on my own two feet.

this, i would term as self-ego. ignorance.

since i knew deep inside life was never happy. i could be smiling to them yet i was feeling empty inside. i could be looking at them laughing from far, i could have joined them but i turned away; i said to myself, i was fine and my own, i needed no one.

living off the years that thought had changed. much had happened, and no, no matter how hardworking or smart you are, if you keep living on your own and you fail to respect others, it all comes to no use.

and here, i am living my daily life with someone that i saw was me before. someone who seems to pretend she's fine living by herself, working as hard as she could but?
it was like a mirror image of me, thought different in some ways; what i pretended to be: a quiet, smiling, hardworking, nice, matured and helpful, who never went out to the real world out there to find out about life. i feared it instead, and went on with the life that i knew it even if it was dull. i was waiting for something in my life to give a way out of the dullness, but when it came, i didn't see it but i pushed it away, fearing of something you thought you knew about, but there were still other things you were yet to find out regarding it.

these days, i would rather try to live my life as honestly as i could, even if i will still have flaws in doing so, i'll keep trying. for my own life, in a better way.

i fear it, if other people became what i was; i know, somewhere within, there could be a reasoning. but also somewhere within, there should be a way; a way to correct the incorrect. but i believe everything has a reason. and Allah will always show the way, even if it takes time. and i do hope, she, or anyone else similarly, would find that other meaning of life.

but, who can really define what life is?