today... 27.11.07

here it is. these days have been spent basically on nothing much but sleeping and playing sims 2. hehe.... and today, 27th nov '07... is ausmat's grand dinner.
well yan sure has that frustrated look on her face when i, again and again, tell her that i wont go.damn... it sure hasnt been easy for me either.
some people have been assuming reasons for my decision - which is coz he's not going. even if i tell them the real reason wasnt that... it seems like no one really trusts me. who trusts me now?
it's hard, i know, since i havent explained the real reason yet. but to do so could be more difficult... i could take a lifetime to explain it to to others yet it's hard to make anyone see it the way i do.
and life hasnt been made simpler when my phone is pretty much about to be screwd up totally. its microphone was damaged about 2 weeks ago and i still havent sent it in for repairs. other people have difficulties to talk to me... i can only hear people talk over the phone, i couldnt respond back for them to hear me. the first time i realised this was when my dad called and i yelled out HELLO so many times but he kept muttering over the phone of why no one said anything although the phone was already picked up. and... as usual, this phone keeps showing me the "insert sim card" msg even though, obviously, the simcard is already in there - no matter how many times i tried taking out the battery and try to meddle with the simcard, the same msg appears... ever so often, it is annoying. also... this phone also occasionally has no signal... even though i'm obviously in a good-signal area.
all tells me that i need to get a new phone...

now i sure hope i can open myself up... and tell someone how i feel. although this is one of the most diffucult things ever... since my whole life, i have been doing nothing but keeping everything to myself, avoiding people and ignoring my problems...
this is a necessity.
yet i don't know how to do it...