respond... 19.11.07

these days i felt like going back to square 1... going thru the root of my problem. coz i wish i could explain to people, to the simple why questions that for me, just have a very complicated, looong answer that only i understand.
well i really dislike it when people ask things regarding problems and we tell them and they're like... oh biaselah tuu...
in some cases anyway, serious things. there were things that were so bothersome to me up to a point where i'd blow up or erupt like a volcano or simply having a thunderstorm deep in my heart (lol), then when ya finally felt like opening up to somebody...
they act like they know everything. they think they know the feeling...
or they know the reason...
or that they understand the situation...
but they could be wrong.
things they say could be right.
but probably things i'd expect from anyone who'd give advice..
advice that no longer has any effect on a rebellious mind.
in the end, maybe, just maybe, ya'd even end up thinking.. why even tell all of that stuff in the first place?

not that you can do anything about it anyway, since everyone's different in their own ways so they have different thoughts and reactions to things. what's amusing to me might be a very serious problem to another person - so what turns out to be a simple joke could lead to a huge war between me and other people without me having the intention to hurt anyone's feelings in the first place. but this isnt something that everyone would understand.

for that, i've worried myself too much. i wanna care for my friends. then i'd rather keep quiet than hurt anyone. if anyone would talk to me about anything, i'd listen - just like how i'd like another person listening to what i say. no need to judge anything, no comment needed, just listen.
but then it could be big time annoying too.

i remember in NS matrix college last year. out of 3, my 2 roommates told me many times about my expressionless face. it was like...when they told me things, they said i had no feelings @ response bout it at all. the day i wanted to walk out of college, they told me they bought some present for me but left it (forgot to bring it - left at kampung of 1 of those 2 girls when they both went there during the weekend), they said sorry. at that, even, i was surprised they bought anything for me. in the end the only response i gave was... takpe... with a face that didnt exactly show disappointment. so then they stressed it out to each other with an i-told-ya sentence = "if takde perasaan"... even so... i just smiled at them. it was an expression i had heard ever so often about me having no expression on my face... so used to it, i pretended like it was nothing. but eventually i realized... it wasnt really me. having same, chill face to different things being told to me? i got tired of it. somehow, it made me look too serious, as someone told me b4. altho the earlier intention was to become a friend that can be trusted and wouldnt hurt others' feelings... which would be the kind of friends i'd like to have. after all.. you get what you give. but what i was doing... could be more to pretending. being silent doesnt mean you're the most trustworthy friend in the world...

just let my friend know that i'm willing to listen, that's all. coz sometimes i prefer a listener, not a counsellor. even if the listener knows nothing bout what i really feel, at least the listener is still there, existing as a friend, willing to listen all i have to say, instead of playing games or sleeping that seem more beneficial to them.

besides, for me, it's actually annoying to be called "muke takde prasaan". it made people unable to tell if i'm sad, happy etc... it's bad, if a person gets awfully angry but people think he doesnt mind and they just dont seem to care... get the point..


then we can never be too quiet...