to talk or not to talk 9.1.10

I kinda wonder why the need to talk is such an important matter. I kinda passed that thinking now, to stop the 'why' thought from running through the mind all the time.

I found my old PLKN notebook. Ah, it's still around, you're now 4 years old then! We would carry this with us every time it was class time, that usually being in the morning. If there's some talk later in the evening, it's up to you to bring it or not.

i watch her, she talks

she amazes me, i wanna speak like her

i watch her, she moves

she's so enthusiastic, i wanna be like her

i am still me, always will be

That I found on the first page. Forgot that I ever wrote that, but I knew what it meant. Back then I had a friend who was always with me throughout the entire PLKN period, Farrah. I don't remember how it ended up she became my friend, we were in the same dorm. I was like a lost loner on the first day. But I had always wondered; she is really talkative, anything you say to her she'd always something to say back, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's the bad kind of loud nagging person or whatever you say, not that, it's just that she is friendly and talks well. In the end she was 1 of the 3 candidates for the parliamentary seat in our camp. Em, leave it at that, I hate politics. So I wondered why is such a person interested in always being around a quiet person like me back then. Ah I know, because opposites attract, what they say will then be heard from the quiet one well. People like it when others listen to them, and get mad when they don't as if they are ignored. But still, I would always feel like even if I keep listening, they will get bored of me soon enough and leave. That has always happened.  But she had stayed with me. And with that, I guess that was why I had other friends too that made us back then, as I saw it, a seven-member group. Because I had a friendly companion, others befriended me as well. In any case I still appreciated knowing them and going through every occasion in the camp with them - it was a whole load of fun.

I like not saying much sometimes, other times I have a lot on my mind to spill. But I kinda hate it when people ask, "are you always this quiet?". Ah, kadang-kadang cakap salah, tak cakap pun salah. Thinking of the bad impression I may leave by saying anything had just made me not say anything at all even though I wanted to say it. Till this day it has become regrettable that I can't speak as much as I hoped to because of the weirdest fear. It has been eating me up, also making me wonder why people generally do not like to befriend quiet people. I know there's a general reason though, it only makes sense but sometimes it's just unfair. If a person stays quiet, people stay away. When that person does talk, suddenly people have this weird "Oh she just talked!" look on their face. That makes it even more awkward. Yeah, some people may like being quiet, nothing wrong with that as it is already comfortable for them. But sometimes some others don't, they hate not being able to speak for some reasons, but they have just been used to it, and also partly because afraid of rejection by the  society. When they stayed quiet, they had no real friends. At the end of the day, they are alone. Even if it looks good, all smiley and calm - even as I sat down in a crowd, I could feel alone.

I am telling you - if you don't like something about yourself, you are the only one who could change it for yourself, I hear my twin said to me.