complications 6.1.08

i'm 0.5 point away from australia. all left now would be the money to study there. no, goodbye to u, for now.

dad is hopeful & ambitious. in fact any dad or parent would be, of their children.
in fact now, he's the one more enthusiastic bout my education more than i am. i dunno bout me anymore. it's that i've sorta given up about going to fly some time ago and i'm not in to try to re-live that chance anymore, even if dad's stil wanting to try. he'd up for meeting officers & ministers etc, but i told him not to. aye, dont hope for it, coz i've long let go of that hope. no need to waste energy for it anymore.

it ends up leaving me with a bad, sunken feeling. who has given up and who is more hopeful now? who did i disappoint more - myself or my parents? whose feelings matter more? my parents r those whose feelings i dun wanna hurt the most. they matter more than i matter to myself. all dis time living without much talked about, they're still the ones i love the most. the last people on earth i'd wanna hurt. all the time without much spoken by myself be it at school, home or wherever i was, 1 of the only life purposes that i can think of is to not disappoint them - or else it disappoints me. other than a good education, i seem to have nothing else in my life, other than them and my own world i lived in. other stuff seem like new things that frighten me - its like, better choose to stay away.

early july, i've already thought about giving up. thru out the year i never thought to go thru what i did. at dat moment i'm already failing at a lot of things, not simply in class. dat moment i was just gonna finish up ausmat n see how i will do coz i alredi gave up the ticket to aussie.not give up by quitting totally. i might not have a strong reason for it, i'm no medic student, got no family probs, just my own personal probs that still, do bother me.

but there were the people around me. they were with me. they may never realise the effect of just simply being there in my life, wanting to help, but they did make that difference 4 me. at least i tried whatever i could. i just tried being myself.

4 siblings of all females and i'm last... somehow attention is on me since i was a kid. considered the smart kid in the family. my 3rd sis had often thought back then dat our parents listened to me more than they ever did to her - so dat makes me d spoiled kid. stil, even for all the troubles caused at school, she was probably my closest friend back then. my 2nd sis said i never really went thru any failure only till recently, so she said it's why i'm having a bad time now coz supposedly i was always happy b4. my mom and dad always thought i could pull anything thru, however hard, as i'd always been able to do it all the years. rajin, terer, pandai, the words often used to say bout me. predictable, they say i am.

is everything rili so simple?

not really.

so i might just say the same old "they dont understand" thing here again, it wont make a difference. they're stil my family, forever. and i'm no longer interested to make anyone understand. i know i am impossible to understand, even how much i try to simplify things. my graph of life was high and steady, of which in between those times they were things i hid that pretty much killed me. the no-one-would-understand stuff were left untold. when life fell off it suddenly felt like it wont rise again. steady but low. the point where i gave up was where i fell.

so at the mara office, when pn junaidah asked me, bob, aquila - nape tak blajar betul2?

it was so much more difficult than that. err, madam, i got GAD and agoraphobia? other things in life hav been TOUGH too? maybe dis whole life-is-complicated thing is caused by none other but ourselves, everyone has problems too... still, it bothers us - life is hard at this stage and beyond. so really, this kind of questions are unnecessary. there's only so much to answer to these "why" questions anymore. why? kenape? been asking it a lot. and i got tired of answering it... i'll never get it right.

there's never a fullstop to such things, really... go on. keep moving on. no matter what happened. whatever happens. however bad or good. whoever there in my life. this is who i am.