days go on 03 3.12.07

man, i post too often. huhu... screw it like i care. but somehow i feel like i have chosen the right title for my coming days...

it's hard to open my eyes this morning - in fact maybe morning is an incorrect term, since it's close to mid-day. i think my small eyes just got smaller... and got a headache. strange... 2 december has always been a bad date for me ever since 2005, yesterday it happened again... although not the same event 2 years ago, this really left a big foot print in my heart. like a wet cement that was stepped on, the foot print stays forever. it's a big change. i really wanted to get over it soon enough... last night i had a hard time already. i couldn't sleep since tears keep flowing out without my wanting... next thing i know, it was past 7am... and i went on till dun remember what time...

actually there are many questions running through my mind. wondering bout lotsa things... this is really different from my previous case with bob... i owe it to him for everything he did for me. this was a guy who led rumah merah during the sports week by keep asking his rumah merah people "understand? understood? underwear?" - this guy really is funny and dirty at the same time. possible to say he's got some bad mouth, with some stuff he had said. i first started talking to him through friendster, saying i like japanese. he too, apparently, then we knew we both like anime. from then on we'd greet each other in school. i remember his friendster testimonial saying that ifyani jika die tidak jahat, adelah seorang yg baik dan tidak merokok. hmmm strange stuff to say there, huhu i laughed at it, strange guy. i remember the times when he was always accompanying aliah in form 5, of which i often got sad looking at them, haha... but i let that move on, i know he's a good guy, he deserved a good life so if he's having it then i should be happy for him. somehow it ended in a way i-dunno-how. months later to find things shifting and suddenly i was with him. he's a strange guy who'd fall asleep while talking on the phone.. haha.. yet i ended it in an unfair way and i kept hurting him more. who knew his pain? and also, the (even b4) previous case with atok (khair) in form 4... my very first case. this is a guy who could be very emotional and obvious (to others) to be jiwang... proven by words he had told me. apparently too, he wasn't liked much. but he is nice, just that his behaviour can be quite annoying sometimes. passing through 4 begonia (my class), or any other classes even, he'd be singing to himself. badruzzaman my classmate would tease me with him. he was nice to me but too nice, it made me feel alright when i had nobody else there in batu pahat but... i chose the wrong path there. he bought me something i ended up breaking in class (fell off my desk) but i simply showed a straight face... even in form 5 he gave me something like a card for my birthday that i had to reject coz i didnt want him to have any hope on me... he really deserved better than me. i knew he felt pain being with me. i got my own pain but i had no right to cause him more of it.

and now... positions seem to have switched again. me in atok or bob's position.. huhu. although they are different situations... i always knew i'd get it back to my face. you get what you give, anyway. except that this was a long process, it began many months ago when i already started to care about wandie. you probably thought you had no impact in anyone's life, with my life you had. you are no bob nor atok, you're special as you are. my feelings here all this time was never the same as those of my previous... since you taught me one thing i never thought i'd have before. to really do what i want as for myself... as all this time i think i never really did anything for my own happiness, probably for others. this was someone who shared many things in common with me, although he may not think so, which to me is kinda unlikely... since, basically, i'm a weirdo always saying stuff bout life like i've been through all etc... but we're just people who wish to understand more about life. not that we're ever able to... we just hope so. at least that's what it is for me.

somehow i wish i'm still in ausmat, in intec... with my friends there. at least i wont be alone... i'd have stuff around to keep my mind off this thing. i cant help it.. really miss it, i know everyone does. i know the friends i have there are greatest pals anyone could ask for.

i wont forget ya. you know i won't. wish for you to be happy :)