days go on 07 13.12.07

today was a crowd like it never had been b4. a disabled man in his thirties was often glancing at me, i wasnt sure why. he kept shaking his feet while seated on the chairs there in the clinic, hentak kaki most of the time - the other man he was with had to tell him to stop it, but he said he couldnt, as he was hungry. while waiting for his turn to be called, he seemed eager to eat, to leave, but couldnt do that if the other man wouldnt accompany him.

2 policemen entered the clinic about 9am, with 1 of them had a guy in purple clothes handcuffed to his wrist. dis caught attention of a lot of other people there. my dad on the other hand, kept reading the newspaper. a boy sitting in front of him turned to the back to sorta join him reading it - he kept muttering things to himself. his mother scolded him later, but he seemed uncontrollable. my dad allowed him, so it didnt matter.

the lady at the front recognized me, the uitm student. i know, i could be the only 1 still a student there. the other lady, an older one, checked my blood pressure later on, asking me bout my studies. she was actually having a conversation with me, something i didnt expect she'd ever do - she had a loud voice, always looked rather fierce, and that moment was the 1st time i'd seen her smile, out of the many times i had been there b4. the "senyumlah" campaign may be worked out after all, i thought it was a simple banner put on the walls there - since the situation there was always kinda serious, stern, it was hard to see happiness. certainly we werent happy people as we all had to wait hours b4 we were called out. even unhappier, if some were being (sorta) scolded as they dont follow orders - but cant it be understandable that these are the type of people who r hard to control?

and there was a little girl. she made me amused the entire morning, singing "way way, go away, go again go other day" many times, being heard to the entire clinic - her dad, maybe, told her to stop several times. probably it made me think how the crowd there was so big that some people may think they'd better go another day.

i saw an old man in his seventies on a wheelchair. the nurses were talking to each other, they were with him, they were asking, wondering, where the man's son/daughter had gone to, as 1 of the nurses said the son/daughter was there b4. the man looked helpless, not able to answer well when being asked. somehw it just made me wonder, a lil curiosity, a worry, where did his son/daughter go? why leave him there?

and i'd have 1 last appointment, maybe, in january. the doc said she'd write me a letter if i needed it to go to australia - as expected anyway. further assessment in australia is good, she said. by seeing my condition, she said i need not alprazolam anymore, being addictive as that stuff was, few doctors would recommend it anyway. dat leaves me, with my white stuff.

writing all these, i dont wanna forget the condition of being here. there are many other people with different illnesses who are here, just like me. if taking medicine hadnt been so difficult, if deaths and sadness dont occur so often, i wouldve wanted to be a doctor... maybe. taking care of people in need and helping them, just to live a life again. give them hope. make them happy in such a gloomy place (hospital). make them feel ok even at times they were at their worst, even if in reality they had lil hope left. such places make me feel sad sometimes, they often teach me a lot. that's how it is, and more that i never know, life at the hospital.