people dimensions 11.2.08

i could be living in a world of different dimensions, obviously not in terms of physics, but in terms of personality, or is it emotions? the dimensions change according to situation and the people that i am with: family @ friends. this is almost always most troublesome to me when persons from these 2 groups of people are around me at the same time, creating a whole different realm for me - which sounds weird, crazy maybe, but the way i felt? it definitely should be described as so. because i notice that i act differently in front of each of these 2 groups of people, and when the 2 groups mix together at the same time, a different me is produced - i became a more confused person of which person i should be, thus i say it was a dimensional difference in terms of personality.

in front of my family, i am always silent, almost hardly speaking anything at all. but that doesn't mean i don't have fun times around my family. it is obvious that i almost never speak out much around them, but i do give response, my own way. since the past few months, the household at my home in seremban here are = abah, mak, kak aqiey, abang qiyam and me. dinner time, we are always eating together, which is usually when we talk to each other the most, if not when the whole family would be watching tv together some other time upstairs. dinner table is where dad would usually be talking the most, and i'd join in occasionally. at times when some jokes are cracked up, it was unavoidable to laugh out hard along with everyone else, although somehow i'd try to make the least sound amongst others other than laughing while watching the tv (tv is in front of the dinner table). gotta admit, all these years of living with my family, i was always silent as i never thought anyone would ever listen to me, somehow it feels shy to be at your own home with your own family. but it's a different shyness than the kind i felt with friends, as shyness with my family is something i have lived with in comfort. therefore it feels hard to change since it's something i am used to, and i am comfortable at being so, as they (my family) are still all happy people - they still love me no matter what i become. occasionally it becomes a surprise when i do talk and say some strange things, as kak aqiey puts it, sekali adik cakap, fuh~ - that is to say that i can be, maybe, quite cynical once i do talk, for instance, when it comes to things that mom are dissatisfied with dad, and i give my opinion on it when kak aqiey asked me - it strikes, somehow, with truth, of what i said, to dad, sometimes that he couldn't deny. that's why sometimes, out of the blue, kak aqiey asks me for my opinion on things, and they know i have been listening to their conversation although i didn't take part in talking along. comfort at home is what makes it good to stay home without going out, i guess. i can see it sometimes, that my family members are the ones trying harder to make communication with me than i am with them. i don't know why, i've been a silent kid at home ever since i was a kid. it's really hard, i don't wanna stay silent forever, especially not here at home where it's obvious that i'm still too silent compared to than when i am with friends. though i know i'm gradually changing since the national service~ it's getting quite unsure, where it's leading, and dad would ask me often, to SPEAK UP more. not just dad, but everyone, and they've been reminding me of this ever since years ago. this is what caused confusion in me, whether i should be talking little or much more, when family AND friends are together at the same time and place.

being around friends have been somewhat different, although i won't say i'm all noisy in front of friends, not really. i was voted shyest kid in class for many times at school before, at those times when i really speak less than 10 words per person per day, sitting alone stuck at my desk the entire day in SMK Puteri days. similar reason, i fear rejection if i ever try to go and join everyone else, so i preferred to pretend to be doing something else. maybe, this is an attitude that i still carry forward until today, not fully but maybe partially. there's still something in me that prefers to be alone rather than being with people, still, i do enjoy being with others sometimes. because of this, over time, i knew i had to change somehow. getting out of Puteri and into MRSM, i had a tough time adjusting in a mixed school, but that was at least a start to somewhere to lead me to becoming a better person. if being silent with my family was still something that's comforting, being silent with friends definitely wasn't comforting at all. it makes me anxious, worried, sad and feel bad everytime. thus a change is a must in this case, somehow, and i managed to make it happen; i could see the difference when i look back at it now, in comparison, although i'm far from where i wanna be. long way to go, the journey is still way ahead of me. but it makes me more comfortable to have more friends, socialise and laugh more, just having fun knowing more people no matter who they are, and it definitely lessens the bad, sad feelings that i felt before. thus, friends, are very important to me, but still, family always comes first - that's for sure, no matter what it seems like.

it seems weird, but for the moment, the comfort zone is OK at both dimensions with both groups of people. i'm not saying my comfort zone with my family will be destroyed if i talk more with them, it's just that it's a change that i will have to adapt with quite harder than how i adapted with my friends - but i'm sure, it will be a better comfort zone for my family dimension if i'm able to talk more with them, and i sure will keep trying no matter how long it will take. mom and dad will be the ones both questioning me of when i will speak up more, they will do that again in the future, and i know i can't stop it, because i'm their daughter, and of course they want me to talk to them about things, even though things seem quite hard to change now at 20 years old. besides, i don't want personality confusion when these two dimensions recur anymore, since they're both very important in my life, and it is messy when i am confused like that O_o

conclusion: both comfort zones still need more work. ^_^ ganbarimasu!