miserable leadership 27.4.08

Crap. What a day it has been today, actually, that also accounts for yesterday as well.

Today was the first time I walked on my own in Sunway Pyramid, probably for about 2 hours. Walking around, crying on my own like a pathetic little kid but still tried to hide the tears. Not proud of that. Although I like that way to release my mixed feeling of anger + depressing + pathetic mood, it wasn’t anything to be fond of. I bought the colour cartridge for my printer and even some Chemistry books. I might have been able to save up some time there if I didn’t eventually get lost, trying to find my way back where I entered – the oasis west entrance, I think. But I kept reaching the main entrance, where there was that Starbucks café. Thank you, that’s one thing you get for being on your own.

Not that I love wasting time loitering around, I still have my Microeconomics and Statistics to worry about. Aha…. Yeah, true there, aku pun ade keje banyak, ok? Macamlah aku sengaja nak tangguh buat Statistik padahal Microecons belum buat! Like I’m letting it go on purpose!

Huh. This can be full of emo for a while. But thinking back, I lost. I was damn angry and irritated yesterday morning I didn’t care what happened anymore to the Biology lab report I submitted, also full of craps there, and I can bet it’d have the worst marks ever. Even worse, as the day passed, my anger stabilised – this might seem good, in a way, it was – but now I doubted it, considering that when my dissatisfaction disappeared, I acted like nothing happened to the exact person I was angry at. I acted like it would be fine then, with one excuse in mind that it’s fine, it had been done and even though that someone kept doing everything without talking to us, that fella had done it so might as well use it. I was questioned today, why I didn’t scold that person; for that fella would have figured out to having done something wrong and ticking us off. And this, ticked me off again today. I was being too lenient about it when I actually had the authority to do something as a leader. What the heck? I had a chance to do something yesterday, but I didn’t end up doing anything, and NOW I’m regretting it again? NOW I’m feeling awful about it again? It won't make a difference!

Leader. I make a lame leader. I got appointed for it out of nowhere. And I thought I could do it for a while, at that moment so I just accepted it. But I got run down. Having just one person running me down was enough to tell me how terrible my leadership was. If I was anything of a good leader, then no one would have done something without telling me (and discussing with the rest) about it first. I was not good in giving out work to each person in the group, was what someone pointed out to me. Really now, this was one thing I didn’t know what was happening; even I didn’t understand what I was supposed to do to lead them in this. How could I give out tasks when I didn’t know what tasks I should be giving?? No wonder for getting run down, I probably deserved it. I am useless at this. It’d be better if someone just run me down for real with a big truck as well, now.

This is all crappy for me, knowing it was my fault for some parts. Yeah, run me down, go ahead.