what is wrong with you? 8.12.08

.so.what.is.wrong.with.you.?

Long entry of the wrongs of my mindset.

I have been surrounded, no, controlled by negative-minded thinking for as long as I could remember. For me, ever since I can think with my brain, these things are always manipulating my thoughts, turning every aspect of my life into worse.


That makes me the biggest weirdo for this case.

Let's see.



1997: My sister Id was in the same school as me. She had a different reputation than mine, more popular, funnier and talkative. Instead of me known as me, I was just Idyani's sister. I know, I was still a kid. For some reason I had to be involved with the people like Puan Zaiton and Carnjini and their issues, which I was not fond of. Around and around, when people I didn't know knew me, and they were laughing at me when they teased me, I felt like I actually did something wrong.

1998: Persatuan Bahasa Melayu. I was elected AJK. Thus I had responsibilities. A simple task to do decorations for the association, but I screwd up. People make mistakes. I can accept teguran (english?) but my mind kept on and told me what is wrong with you? I got number 1 in class that end of year, and needed to practise to the ceremony to receive the present I would get for it. I was sad since I couldn't play with my classmates in class for games like batu seremban, snap, snakes & ladder, old maid, happy family, uno stacko, monopoly etc, as I was always practising and out of class.

1999: I was always doing projects on my own. Thus every mistake I did, I got scolded and I cried on my own and complained to no one else. But I asked a lot of help from my family instead of my friends. Procrastination happened, because I always didn't know how to do my work and I was always afraid to ask anyone. When I had to, I always called my friend Aishah for help regarding school work when my family couldn't help. Sometimes I chose to have things in spares so that I wouldn't need to borrow anything from anyone at school in case a problem arose like I lost it etc. Sometimes also I chose to buy something just for the work although I wouldn't need to use it anymore after the work was done, rather than making an effort to ask help from friends who might know. The three best friends in my class. They always go everywhere together, laugh and talk and do everything together. I really wanted to be friends with them. I tried to hang out with them. My mind told me, you don't fit in, you never will. I even wrote a letter, hey guys, would you guys be friends with me? Of course, that only made situations more awkward. By end of the year, same thing always seemed to happen, even if I didn't receive any present in gifts ceremony. I wanted to play games with everyone after exams ended, but no one invited me, and I was too afraid to join on my own. So I chose to stay at my own seat instead, or walk around, or do nothing, or just watch them play.

2000: I love writing. Since I hardly ever talked to people at school, no one to talk to, I could only spend the extra time writing. They would sometimes come to me and ask if I was writing some novel. I hardly had confidence in talking to them, usually I only smiled back and just nodded. Sometimes the teacher looked at me before leaving the class and smiled at me, and my mind wondered if she was sympathising me for being alone when everyone else were making their own noise. She once asked me to find volunteers and follow her for a task, and that I couldn't even do, my mind was too afraid to simply ask out loud to the class. Imagine, me raising a hand to ask a question in class back in the days? No chance.

2001: Seniors to juniors again. Yet the same things never change. I spent my time during recess walking around, not eating. Not because I didn't want to eat. But I didn't have anyone to eat with. I knew I barely spoke 10 words a day. My mind told me, eat all by yourself and you look really lonely and even harder for people to talk to. Counseling room had me for the first visit and I cried. Nothing else became better. This year also Anisah came back from UK, my neighbour and friend from childhood. She and I always took turns (our family) to fetch us together from school everyday. A major difference was that she spoke a lot to her mom every time and I usually spoke none. She was cheerful, active and outspoken, somehow I always compared myself to her.

2002: I was chosen to become a prefect, to be under probation for two weeks. I didn't want to be, but too afraid to say "I wanna quit" not wanting to look like a fool. In the end everything I did was half-heartedly, thus not chosen as a prefect. I was laughed at for being such an easy-going pre-prefect, since I did it all without any confidence. Ice-skating trip for the class. People would have what you could call a clique to hang out together with for the trip. I was too scared for the trip, not because I can't skate; because I had no one to go with, be with, laugh with. The only thing I could enjoy was watching Korean dramas and Meteor Garden that were getting quite famous that year. Counselling had me again, group and individual. Group was simplified, just girls wanting to have positive outlook in school life. They all wrote me a message that I was too quiet, my voice was too slow and I should speak up more. I changed from group to individual since I didn't like other people looking at me when we did meetings, automated response in my brain would tell me they hated me. Individual actually turned out to be worse, it wasn't like I didn't try that before. More focus on one person could really take out more pain and in the end, I couldn't tell my problems at all. Just tears. And the counselor just advised to tell it out. Any problems kept inside are pain; she took a paper, peronyokkan and told me that the pain was just like the lines on the paper. Once the pain was made, it cannot be taken away.

2003: Desperate for a change in the environment. I needed to go where no one knew me and I could start to be a new person - I was determined to go to a boarding school the next year. PMR that year must be good. I had no doubt in myself for academics. Still I began to talk more. A classmate made a comment how surprising it was that I was more talkative that year. That was the best comment I had that year.

2004: Blamed the government for a while when I got no offer for MRSM when my friend who had 'a cable' had an offer when her result was not as good as mine. I got a second intake offer which gave me new hope. But life was transformed. 9 years not being able to make much friends in an all-girls environment, then, a mixed school? Shocked. Thus for 6 weeks I was quite on my own, quiet me, and miserable since mission not accomplished. Change was harder than I thought. But another intake girl came in, and somehow it made me more confident to speak around. She made good friends with me. God sent me help. A boy also offered a lot of help to me. It came out confusing, what true feelings and being thankful really were. In an attempt to be somebody new, I pretended to be someone I shouldn't have. I turned out to be too serious and some guy told me to change my ways. That year I knew there were still so much about myself I needed to learn. I was still someone afraid to approach friends much. I did, sometimes try to avoid meeting with people I wasn't familiar with, as my mind made me feel uncomfortable when I met with them; not as I didn't like them, in truth I feared them. I would plan to go to the ironing room to iron my uniform, and turn to return to my room if I saw there were some people that would make me uncomfortable if I go there then.

2005: This year I learnt about Midori no Hibi, possibly one of my earliest animes after Rurouni Kenshin. God sent me the brightest school year ever. Also turned out we all hated that school with controversial teachers, many students moved out that year. But the remaining, we lasted because we had each other. But I was still too naive when I left school, causing my own controversy. My mind told me every single teacher I had ever known had then changed their impression on me, good to bad, so as our Form 5 friends. I saw people laughing at me, staring at me, saying stuff to me. Thus I left school on the last SPM day, Biology paper, without a happy ending with my friends like it should have been. It also ended my relationship with another boy early December. I now realise, coincidentally, early Decembers are usually bad news for me these 3 years ever since.

2006: Bad ending at school made me hate school although I still thought 2005 was the best. Since then I had a month left at home, just waiting for Plkn to begin. I was surprised, really. As usual I had a hard time adjusting to new places especially making friends. This time, it was different. We were really friends in tears and joy. I couldn't believe anyone would really thought I was great much in the first place. Someone told me I was "pendiam tapi sewel" which I actually took as a compliment. I cried when I left the camp. There were still times when I felt forgotten. It would always be, since as my mind had automated itself ever since it could ever think well during my primary school days. But I can still re-set it, right?

2007: I began the year, searching for remedy. I sought counseling, again, not to tell out problems but so that I could get a link to solving my problems from there. Much to my dismay I was led into spilling my problems again, thus more pain. Yeah, I got a link. It led me to Klang Hospital that prescribed me antianxiety pills which were also antidepressants. No, I am still regarded sane. I hoped the best out of that but God knows how it felt. But it happened for a reason. I'd like to make the best out of my experience. I didn't want to see another person alone like I was, as everyone needed a companion. Before, I wanted a friend when no one wanted to be mine, at least I thought no one did. But I must say this can't be said the same for everyone. I guess I still made mistakes this year, so much that it troubled someone I cared about. However I will not leave someone alone when they need someone, that's for sure. Just that I have to know the time when I should let a person have a time of their own. This year people had trust in me, something I never imagined the 5 years previously.

2008: I still get that. Meeting old friends who asked me questions and wondered, why does it always take a while for you to answer? There always seemed to be a pause. I knew that. All the years, I concluded that my mind had always been too passive to directly answer people when they ask or talk to me that there will be something that comes in before my answer - fear of rejection. Fear of the person I am speaking to and their reaction to what I will say back. Fear of being panic about this fear itself, that leads to me stuttering, shaking or trembling and maybe even a nervous breakdown. In the end going back home, you think, maybe the safest place to be if I am always afraid of people. Well, it's not the same, but there's a certain fear of living in my own home too. And lately, I haven't been able to live up to their expectations like I used to, academically. Those flying rainbow colour days are probably gone.

Today: It came running back to me. My mind told me my colleagues didn't like me, maybe because of glaring eyes and monotonous voice and they don't talk to me much. People make mistakes, common sense. Why can't I put that sense into my head but it made me depressed instead? A sales promoter-cashier at a pharmacy who doesn't know things too well, made some mistakes, forgot some things, all leading to the brain telling the body to "what is wrong with me?!" and panic and do more mistakes and forget more things, till I don't even know how to speak English anymore. Sorry bout that, my fellow customers.


Spare me negative thoughts, maybe I wouldn't have been so timid all my life with ridiculous fears that I couldn't easily get rid of.

But now it is so surprising I have friends. A lot, really, a lot of things have changed now although certain things remain the same way. Yeah, weird you might say. But there was a time when I never imagined I would have even one. Now laughing along with one friend can really brighten up my most sour day even though it is just for that moment, it is priceless. So I am unimagineably thankful now. And sometimes I wouldn't mind spending some money for my friends.

Dakara, you see, tomodachi (friends) are really, really important to me. ^_^

.find.the.right..not.the.wrong..

Just sharing. So these days I am trying to be positive, if you've heard me giving such positive stuff.