broken 31.1.08

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Broken
via FoxyTunes

i lie awake...
broken.

it was a reason i could not tolerate. i was gonna go and see her today, but there was change of plans. it was an act of selfishness above what i would've done for her. this is a friend i would hardly get upset at. one i trust a lot, close, a confidante. and although she apologized a few times, i still haven't given her a response till now.

i lie awake...
broken.

dad turned around to look at me. i knew what he thought at hearing that. i played dumb. he turned his attention back to the tv. i know what he may have thought. maybe i will never change. that could be right. i'm a pathetic person. what a girl...

i lie awake...
broken.

to worsen the feeling. technology is the worst thing ever made if it isn't the best. other than giving me really bad health, all over again, taking my appetite away, it's psychologically killing me. phone, laptop, tv, anything. phone calls i can't pickup, slow websites, bad tv reception. i hate technology. take it all away. i wanna be in a tropical island, enjoying the breeze on the sand.

i lie awake...
broken.

no one ever, cares, how i feel.

i lie awake...
broken.

can i go back to the books now? knowledge is what we can carry forever and they never let us down unlike other things. they were everything for me in school; i could still have those brainy days back if i wanted to. as pathetic as that could sound, at least 1 thing in my life is good.

pathetic is me.i am convinced now.

classics 27.1.08

japanese composer hirano yoshihisa is an amazing person. since listening to his work from ouran high school host club's soundtracks, i haven't got sick of rewinding the songs since the past few days for the several hundred times. they are like the new modern classical music, the songs used in the anime for all those dances in the rich school for waltz and all the grand events by the host club. listening to the tracks, full, all over again, i am feeling the rhythm within my soul. this is what you call music. music isn't just alternative rock for me, as that's mainly my favourite, and i usually don't go for music that's too slow. but i'm not limited to just that, it depends on the songs themselves. this one, it isn't slow, it's happy, it gives me the mood to do things, make me forget my problems. without any voices singing, that's what makes the songs sound peaceful for me... it's the musical instruments themselves being played that were singing, for me anyway. one song alone consists of many combinations of musical instruments that all needed to be played at the right time, needed the right tune etc, not that i'm good at explaining that, what i'm saying is that, it should be hard to make just one song to sound good, alone. let alone, there are like about 20 songs for ouran. my personal favourites:

Sinfonietta C-dur
Theme for the cute one for orchestra
Ouran Cocerto for oboe, 2 horns, violin and string
Sakura Kiss for string
Tranquillezza for string
Music for the Music Salon No.3 for trumpet and orchestra


classical music has its harmony with its symphony, i could consider it as a favourite music category except i dunno anything much about it. it could be boring for some, it's amazing for me. music = it's endless.

heart to arau 25.1.08

back in arau, i always stay under the same roof with my two aunts, mak cak and cik, who are both my mom's eldest siblings. feels like going there somehow now that i don't have much to do here at home. screw the laptop (wow, can you really do that?). being there, as i've mentioned before, nights never end. chats go on forever, especially when cik talks. she's like in her 60-70s now, she could easily make anyone laugh and she's been doing that since i was like, 5. she used to stay in seremban here in my house and take care of me and my schooling and stuff until i was in standard 2, then she got kind of old and tired to take care of all of us (4 siblings!), she returned to perlis. after that i cried a lot at home, missed her so much.

last time i saw her was at my sister's wedding kenduri at sungai petani, where like the whole arau and kuala pilah crowd was there and whew it was damn hot again! for this one, i just took my old purple kebaya that i last wore in 2005 - dis one, can really restrict my movement, but douH, just go on with it. why the fuss? it would all be over with soon. but cik was like woah when she saw me, i didnt remember what she talked about tho, lol. but one thing i remember was that she was saying how 2 sisters of mine already got married now and 2 more to go. she was saying she may be able to see kak zahi (the sis after me) get married, but maybe she won't be able to live long enough to see me on my wedding day.

i kept silent at that, it saddened me. i know how she's getting older by the day. stil she's one of the best cooks in the world alongside my mum and their siblings + my dad + my family. stil she's one of the funniest, most talkative, most generous people i've ever known, and much more to it. out of many other relatives of my parents', she's i'm most close with.

stil i can't tell what's to happen in the future for her or even for myself. wallahualam... to even say that i'll die sooner is stil possible, no one knows... it's a sensitive issue. we r to fear death- it wil hurt.

to be in arau though... its windy there. mom said there used to be a sawah padi in front of my aunts' house... but the land was sold to build a water logy. there used to be a chinese shop across the street from the house where i used to buy some keropok for fun snack, but it was dirobohkan - which we all were in seremban - it was so sad! no more shops to depend on. it could've been so easy to get snacks from. but that was years ago, when i was a kid. then again it had always been easy to eat there. my relatives are always making something and they're all great at cooking. once done with it, they pass some to other houses, which aren't far in walking distances. it's kampung, after all. outside my aunts' house, there's a buaian that was hanging on to a tree, which is always the place to hang out, be it for kids or adults. yeah and there are some other seats there and a pondok near the buaian. the buaian has existed there for years already. on the ground there are always many branches of wood, and i used to love picking up these stuff when i was a kid. and i'd give them to cik, i think, to be burnt for purpose of cooking something outside the house as the branches burn fast. so i liked it, to be doing a good deed. near the buaian and all, there used to be a big kandang, or reban or whatever, there were both - in a kandang there was a reban ayam. i used to go into the kandang that was fenced up and chase around the chickens that were running around in there. cik would sometimes scold me, saying they'd get angry and patuk me. being a kid back then, i didnt think i listened. what happened to them? eventually the chickens all died, now the kandang is all empty. it used to be fun, though, remembering back. hehehe...

that chicken talk reminded me that i used to have some geese, in my house. well not in, around my house. like my dad took care of them, there were several of them. in the end, some of them got missing - stolen, most probably. even i saw them got taken away, being sorta shooed away by a woman down the hill (my house's on the hill) with the thought that she probably was going to return the "missing" geese to us, but they didn't get return. She probably took them instead. The geese were noisy, though. I was too small at the moment, 7, 8?

ok, this has become a domestic animal talk already. the only animal i have now in my house would be cats, 3 cats in exact, that'd be 2 if to discount "Cit" who has not been around the house much lately. she only comes home once in a while. "Qot" and "KoKo" only are the ones staying home, both too, females. all males apparently gone with the wind, probably following their girlfriends away O_o hehe.

i haven't been to arau for a long while. i hope i can go there...

tech ban = revised! 24.1.08

sigh~

remember the tech ban? dunno if it's really working, i kinda wish i'd go to monash, like, NOW. somebody hide this laptop from me. take its battery and charger and don't tell me. it really is part of me.

before i got better from the migraine which caused me to stay at KPJ hospital for 3 days last week, i managed to stay off from the laptop for a while. had no mood for whatever it was i used to love to do with comps before. when the pain is overwhelming in the head, the effect goes through the entire body, and this lasted for days. i think i fully recovered on tuesday, of which the day before i gotta go to kl to do some monash things. damn it's still stuck like that. i asked dad to send me there to ease things off for me since i was still not that fully recovered to go off on my own on public transport. i really wanted to settle it off. yet it's still like that. i have to go there, again, soon. damn they're delaying me.

until today i still get the naggings from everyone about me constantly looking at the computer and not taking care of my sleep & food habits which they all believed were the cause of the migraine. man, no one knew what the heck it was in the first place. the clinic first thought it was just the low blood pressure. just? still, not good. the head felt like it could blow up. i'd rather study the whole book of biology by Campbell than have that headache that was more right-sided, not to mention the vomit. painkillers didnt work much, CT scan revealed nothing, they even checked my brainwaves to see if it's normal. whew, i never thought i'd do a CT scan, with myself doing a report about it before in ausmat. 3 days felt long, groggy, full of hunger but of no appetite.

when i was back home, i was never more than glad to be out of the hospital. any place but the hospital, even though the tv was right in front of me (watching it gives me more headache anyway). back in my room, my laptop was gone, i thought, hm, i was banned from my laptop by my parents already, for sure. i wasn't in the mood for it anyway, i just wanna rest. so i did... and it felt good for a few days, though, never really had much to do.

i decided to ban myself from my comp. recently i've been turning it on more often tho. when did i start looking around the net again? these days it's become a daily thing again. is it bad...? come to think of it, my sister once said, "takpe kalau pakai komputer lame... tapi adik tu cara dia pakai tu tak betul, position dia depan laptop tu dekat sangat, duduk depan laptop tu lame sangat". eh? sorta. ok.. change it a bit. if i don't stare at the comp, don't be around the comp but stil keep it turned on, stil alright, then. i won't let the old ways repeat itself (like ignore SLEEP just because i love my COMP GAME more), seriously, the way the head hurt... dont want that to happen again.

so i cant really ban it, it's part of me. but i cant overdo it or anything, gotta take care of myself too. or else i'll end up troubling other people too if i fall sick again, not to mention to say how unbearable it felt like to be the one feeling the pain. no one else's fault, mine alone. ahah... do kick my ass if you see me play too much games or so eh wandie.. or to whoever it concerns in the future..~ LOL =D

tech ban 21.1.08

this i'd never thought would happen, but i'm banning myself from computers... sorta.
any perfectly moderating computers that can be turned on that simply put, can enable me to login to friendster, download, torrent, blog etc just like what i'm doing at the moment. in fact... no laptop, tv whatsoever - just sleep!

well, once in a while can be forgiven, so what i'm doing now is what's once in a while. i cant just throw what used to be half of my life away just like that. i dun even know... i'm not even in monash yet, who knows? even wandie know how an evernote maniac i am~ like really needy of a comp software like dat to keep track of my notes... but if i dont use comp anymore then what?

tv? not a big fan of too much of anything, so that's fine.

after this, if i'm not around as often as i used to anymore then i hope it's understood... (i've banned myself O_o) wherever on the net, anyway.

if anything, i'll keep the laptop on straight with the lids closed just for listening to the music *0*

then, if not on the net, see u in the real world... T_T

complications 6.1.08

i'm 0.5 point away from australia. all left now would be the money to study there. no, goodbye to u, for now.

dad is hopeful & ambitious. in fact any dad or parent would be, of their children.
in fact now, he's the one more enthusiastic bout my education more than i am. i dunno bout me anymore. it's that i've sorta given up about going to fly some time ago and i'm not in to try to re-live that chance anymore, even if dad's stil wanting to try. he'd up for meeting officers & ministers etc, but i told him not to. aye, dont hope for it, coz i've long let go of that hope. no need to waste energy for it anymore.

it ends up leaving me with a bad, sunken feeling. who has given up and who is more hopeful now? who did i disappoint more - myself or my parents? whose feelings matter more? my parents r those whose feelings i dun wanna hurt the most. they matter more than i matter to myself. all dis time living without much talked about, they're still the ones i love the most. the last people on earth i'd wanna hurt. all the time without much spoken by myself be it at school, home or wherever i was, 1 of the only life purposes that i can think of is to not disappoint them - or else it disappoints me. other than a good education, i seem to have nothing else in my life, other than them and my own world i lived in. other stuff seem like new things that frighten me - its like, better choose to stay away.

early july, i've already thought about giving up. thru out the year i never thought to go thru what i did. at dat moment i'm already failing at a lot of things, not simply in class. dat moment i was just gonna finish up ausmat n see how i will do coz i alredi gave up the ticket to aussie.not give up by quitting totally. i might not have a strong reason for it, i'm no medic student, got no family probs, just my own personal probs that still, do bother me.

but there were the people around me. they were with me. they may never realise the effect of just simply being there in my life, wanting to help, but they did make that difference 4 me. at least i tried whatever i could. i just tried being myself.

4 siblings of all females and i'm last... somehow attention is on me since i was a kid. considered the smart kid in the family. my 3rd sis had often thought back then dat our parents listened to me more than they ever did to her - so dat makes me d spoiled kid. stil, even for all the troubles caused at school, she was probably my closest friend back then. my 2nd sis said i never really went thru any failure only till recently, so she said it's why i'm having a bad time now coz supposedly i was always happy b4. my mom and dad always thought i could pull anything thru, however hard, as i'd always been able to do it all the years. rajin, terer, pandai, the words often used to say bout me. predictable, they say i am.

is everything rili so simple?

not really.

so i might just say the same old "they dont understand" thing here again, it wont make a difference. they're stil my family, forever. and i'm no longer interested to make anyone understand. i know i am impossible to understand, even how much i try to simplify things. my graph of life was high and steady, of which in between those times they were things i hid that pretty much killed me. the no-one-would-understand stuff were left untold. when life fell off it suddenly felt like it wont rise again. steady but low. the point where i gave up was where i fell.

so at the mara office, when pn junaidah asked me, bob, aquila - nape tak blajar betul2?

it was so much more difficult than that. err, madam, i got GAD and agoraphobia? other things in life hav been TOUGH too? maybe dis whole life-is-complicated thing is caused by none other but ourselves, everyone has problems too... still, it bothers us - life is hard at this stage and beyond. so really, this kind of questions are unnecessary. there's only so much to answer to these "why" questions anymore. why? kenape? been asking it a lot. and i got tired of answering it... i'll never get it right.

there's never a fullstop to such things, really... go on. keep moving on. no matter what happened. whatever happens. however bad or good. whoever there in my life. this is who i am.

a little memory...

"dogheh la, kito dah lambek nih. copek skit. maleh den nak nunggu."
dats nogori language.

"awat dok lambat nih. lekeh la. pi buat ayaq bagi depa sat."
utara - perlis language.

at least dat was sorta like it. i sorta grew up in both plus the usual bahasa melayu and english (not to mention rojak style). it's stil interesting to note bout last week having a mix of those languages (or dialects, whatever it is). my cousin from perlis was kinda puzzled when my relatives from kuala pilah (negeri sembilan) came to our house to help out with the kenduri, telling me that she sorta didnt understand their nogori way of speaking. when my parents, my siblings and i all left our house, and all left were them (perlis + n9) and the bride sis of mine (bz in her room doing make up), dad reminded the n9 relatives to speak the usual bahasa melayu, so that its easier to understand by the perlis people.

and as noted so far, my bro-in-laws have all come from utara side of the country. 1st one came from kulim, the recent 2nd one from sungai petani. maybe the 3rd one is gonna be from alor setar. hehehe... the n9-utara bond seems to be passed to the younger generations... my dad from n9, my mom from perlis.

arau, perlis. the whole family love going back there, with my mom's other 5 siblings & their family there. its never quiet, basically, its always funny - talk talk talk and laugh all the way, so balik kampung here will usually make my mom, dad and the siblings (& their spouses) sleep late, just by talking. usual place to go for buying things include padang besar... and also wang kelian, where i heard the people speak thai a lot. i remember being in perlis when i was little when i tried saying ayaq (or something like it) = meaning water. everyone laughed at me for that attempt, apparently it sounded something else. dun remember it much, tho...

seri menanti, kuala pilah. now if its ever a trip to pilah, its always a trip through bukit putus - which only means headache. the roads here are by the hillside, they're like snakes. a little mistake in driving here - boleh terbabas jatuh gaung. i often used to vomit when i was a kid going through these roads, these days it'd at least be a headache. once out of it, we're off to seri menanti - even passing thru the pintu gerbang u could see taik lembu around the roads. in the kampungs ahead, there'll sure be cows wandering by the roads. some roads r very narrow, its quite dangerous to park cars by the road side - some cars r still very speedy in this kampung area. dis is also where i began eating tapai, and liked it ever since. speaking nogori... dunno how it sounds, but i can stil sorta do it..

thats crazy in simplified complexity, of usual life in perlis & kuala pilah.

wonder.... 3.1.08

i got off wondering today...

if people considered me too nice..
or un-serious about certain things, if they think i can be so short-minded and childish..
if people think i can sulk so easily..
if they think they're too different from me, to be with me..
if i can ever make myself appear un-nice.. maybe it'd be good, since that really is who i am..
if people wil ever stop looking at me the same way..
the same old sickening way..
if people would ever give me a chance.. chance of acceptance and not the same perception or judgment..

i've been forgotten by many...
in the end i get left behind. and i don't know how to make it right anymore since i'm not sure what i'm doing wrong... and no one would help or by the very least would tell me...

maybe...
i wonder...
i'm meant to be alone forever
besides.. who cares

congrats to my sis who just recently got married... my new bro-in-law is quite interesting..huhu.. altho wedding preparations were hectic, it ended up well..
i'm happy for them..
since wedding stuff are always so complicated, maybe i should never marry anyone.. huhu... that's simplifying life enough, for me to live a life in simplicity...
let's just be happy for others...
and live a calm, comfy life.