Can't seem to keep in mind what day it is. False, confusing thoughts. Thinking yesterday was last week and this morning seemed like the morning three days ago. Who I spent time with or what they/we talked about. When I last slept or for how long. Not knowing whether I dreamt about something or it really happened. What and when I last ate. Where the places I went to and what I was doing there and for how long. Simply...what I did today or the days before - or when was the last time I did a certain thing. Or did I even do anything today or even this week itself?

Hu?

of you and me 23.8.08

Time could change a lot of things for us.
In the past 2 years alone, I have dealt with more things I never thought I would've gone through in my previous years of living.
Nothing in my course of life had ever taught me so much.
All the joy that I got being with him.
All the troubles and misunderstandings between us.
Time too, is putting us farther apart.
I probably know where it went wrong, I probably don't.
Although I keep trying
even if it doesn't get me anywhere
I think I will be fine.
Whether they were good or bad stuff
I don't think I'll be able to erase it from my memories
all my life.
Apart from the ridiculous things I've done
there are no regrets of whatever happened between us.
No regrets in knowing him.
Even if things go forgotten
I will never ever forget him.
Not a chance.

solitude 16.8.08

It's a world full of questions, especially the word why.

So there was a girl. It ain't no other girl, it was a girl I perfectly know, someone I knew too well. The strange thing about her was that she was always quiet. A bit too quiet, maybe, that it seemed quite scary for the people living around her. The fact that she was too quiet and keeping things all to herself were also the reasons why she was always alone.

The girl asked herself, "Why do people keep themselves away from me?" In other words, she had always been wondering, Why am I always alone?

Solitude. The state of being alone.

It was April 1997. She went around school when there was nothing to do, wondering where to go, all on her own. When she did have something to do, it was either listening to the teacher babble in class in front, her studying on her own or simply writing whatever to kill off her time. If she wasn't walking around on her own during recess time, she would be pondering off things or maybe looking at other people and what they were doing.

She wouldn't eat if she would be eating on her own, it felt scary; as if the people around would be laughing at her if she was only eating on her own without any company. She wouldn't sit in places with too many people around, it felt scary; she had always been used to being alone that being with too many people was a frightening thought. She wouldn't join her classmates when they were laughing and talking about stupid stuff, it felt scary; a strange thought that they all might hate her usually prevented her from ever trying to get along with anyone, it was better to just look at them from far. She would rather stay out and away rather than sticking around just to be a piece of useless wood; even though she wanted to stay and dig up a conversation. Yeah, when she tried to stick around and speak up, it was always the same as if she had not been there at all in the first place - ignored and shut away, it was something she was already used to deal with.

She would be smiling along from far as she looked at them having fun. She would be pleased to talk to them if they were to feel good to have her along with them. She would be happy if they asked her to go to places together with her, she felt appreciated - not ignored.

Home. What is home for her? Is it a safe place to run away to everytime she felt miserable because of the so-called friendly society?

Mak, abah, she called. She remembered when she was just too small to remember how old she really was, abah had always been carrying her off his back, carrying her down in their home from upper floor to the first floor, maybe everytime it was dinner time. And she felt happy everytime that happened. And dad would always be teaching her how to say 'Good night' in Japanese, as she remembered peeking out from her bedroom window every night when she was a kid, looking over to abah who was also peeking from his bedroom door, saying to her, "Oyasumi!" with a grin. Then... mak? Good, memorable things must have been shared with mak as well, even other things with abah, only she probably did not remember much about them.

Then why, as she was growing up, such things faded? And even so, all the while she was growing up, why was it that she still could not have better, speakable moments at home? Home was a safe, peaceful place to be, to stay away from freaking bad-mouthed or insensitive people who could talk but couldn't think. But she didn't necessarily talk more even being away from people her age at the place she had been living in since the past two decades of her life.

Ultimately she kept asking herself, why have I always been so quiet? Ever since she knew she was a living human being. At school or at home, indoors or outdoors.

The frequent questions came in. The cynical smiles. The annoying grins. The moronic stares. The trashy attitude. All because of quietness and solitude. Why is she always on her own? Why is she always so quiet? Doesn't she feel lonely being all by herself? Are all these, the pity that came in from society and the sympathy they put on us for being what we are, just because we don't talk as much or be with everyone else as much?

So came in her anger; she hated being pitied just because she was always on her own. Thus came in this conclusion: if you see someone always being all on his/her own, ask no questions. They do not need your damn pity.

Being alone or quiet, is seemingly a not-so-normal thing; it always annoys the society so much, apparently, they can't keep quiet about it or leave us alone, is it so?

She got used to it. Being in a world of her own. A so-called comfy zone in solitude. Nobody else to worry about, nothing else to get mad at, no one to make her sad. If anything, it's just her; anything good, it must be from Him, anything bad, it only came from her own actions.

Although it was probably a fake world without happiness, sometimes it brings peace. That is why people need to be alone when they don't wanna be disturbed. Still, I know this too well, too much can be harmful for the state of mind. It's just that some people are already used to it - it's a part of our life, people like us. Freakish weirdos of complex, non-talkative and secretive introverted bakas. For me, I learn to give up some part of it to have a bit of good laughter in my life, for a change. As humans, we do need it. I still needed craze.

Whatever it is, solitude = great.

So hey... welcome, to solitude. [youkoso, hitori bocchi]



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what for? 2.8.08

do i need protection? am i under conditions where i need to be protected?
does that mean i am incapable of doing things on my own?

you're a lonely soul.

with some of these thoughts going on now, at least with them going round and round inside my head, it keeps me off silent most of the time. not to mention some extra bad things happened to add up to the troubles, e.g. my phone falling off into the toilet bowl. i know some questions have their obvious answers, although some others have no definite answers at all.

so what am i really striving for in my life? what for?

yeah there are the answers. but at times when life does not know its way ahead, no answers seem certain. so what are the real answers to this question?

do you think you can find it?

do you know where the end is?

all these thoughts didn't come out of the blue. it had all to do with what i am currently dealing with and it's not much to an outcome i would like.

will i always be seeing you after this?

even if i want to... am i left behind?

can i catch up with you?

my faults of insecurities all this time...

can i ever redeem myself?

can i ever have a normal, pointless and laughable, face-to-face conversation with you like long time before, like everybody else? without any other strange thoughts?

if not then... at the current state, am i running out of time?

what has fate brought for us today, here, now, at these circumstances, with those we are with at the moment?

in the end even if neither of us prefers so...

will you be off and away?

will everything be forgotten and simply put behind?

will this bond be broken?



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