kokoro 15.3.08

I've kept this as a draft for a few weeks, wondering why it's still there, if it's completed yet...

In the first episode of Hana Yori Dango season 2, within about 2 minutes from 1:31:00 to 1:33:00, Makino Tsukushi said these words to Domyouji Tsukasa's older sister while in tears, "I really… really… really… love Domyouji. I'm always, always thinking about him. I've tried hard to imagine it but I can't imagine living in a world without him. Even now, I still… wanna be with him again. I want to be with him. Even when I tried to give up, even when I tried to concentrate on other things, for some reason, I just end up thinking about him. To the extent that I've become wretched, to the extent that I hate myself, I… love him. But… I think… I'm horrible."

Those honest words of Makino never come out often from a strong girl like her, who seems capable to live her life in fine order and never let anything let her down. That was a girl-to-girl talk between her and Domyouji's sister if you ask me, of which she suddenly felt the need to tell those things to someone after trying hard to bury all her feelings to herself. To be honest, this is the part of me that is similar to Makino. Every word above, with the name of Domyouji changed, can be dedicated to a certain someone in my life - i mean every word from my heart. I may not be nearly as brave as she is, but in keeping things to ourselves sometimes and making own decisions, it seems quite similar enough. Thus Makino Tsukushi is an admirable character for myself. It's just that i always seem to fail to show it clearly enough that it somehow pin-points to the false direction - resulting in a misconception.

Obviously, i adore some japanese dramas. But few hold a special place in my heart, as i watched it, unbelievably i cried quite a number of times. It's quite surprising, but that was the fact, as it's probably because the way the story goes had a lot to do with what i felt or went through as well. This drama itself reminds me of many things going on in my own life, be it in the present or in the past. It is still quite something i can't do: to let the past go, especially since some part of the past is still within my present. According to Myers-Briggs, i have the ISFP personality type: Introverted, Sensing, Feeling and Perceiving. Sensing, as in, people of this kind, love to 'live the moment' rather than to think too much about the future. But i'd say, the moment i'm living in now is mixed up with the past, so it isn't much of the present that i am really living in at the moment, but a mix-up. So my life has got more confusing, especially lately.

So then i remembered a friend talked about his sister not wanting to get married and he was wondering why, from the perspective of a guy. Simple enough for a man to speak and question about, while the girls around began arguing against that, to support reasons of possibly why a woman wouldn't want to get married. From the perspective of a girl, i could give more than one possible reasons for that. And then it reminded me too, as a girl, that the reasons fit me as well. Because the feelings i had for him had not changed since i first realised it existed, and to imagine a life with another person seems "unattainable" - a word i've come to use often in the subject of microeconomics, for the point C where not enough resources are available in PPF. Maybe bad memories pass and get forgotten, or maybe not, but that doesn't mean in the future there won't be any hesitation to move on. Right, for this particular reason men might find women impossible to understand - sure, kumbang bukan seekor; bunga bukan sekuntum. But generally speaking, women have super-fine feelings, and they have a soft, sacred heart. Once a heart goes broken, consider it sold; or i'd say, consider it no longer there for the time being. It doesn't heal so fast, not for certain events or situations that had changed a woman's life, her heart; her soul. Without this complexity, men would not have been attracted to the opposite sex in the first place, as God has created us to function this way: inilah fitrah manusia. Certain things like this do make us wonder, it makes me wonder, it makes me curious, of why it works this way; but sometimes these things are meant to be and we do not have an answer for each and every question that came to our mind - curiosity can really kill the cat, indeed.

Sometimes my curiosity overwhelmed me so much it ended up hurting me instead, somehow. My mind's curiosity was struggling to keep itself together, and yet at the same time, my heart can be quite disagreeing with what my mind has to say. Usually it just ends up in a chaos deep inside that i just wind up getting all blurred out on what to do next, with the mind and heart both might be having different ideas on what to do or say. And so maybe this has an effect on people i mostly care about. When the heart wants to care, the mind wants to be too rational that sometimes it makes no sense at the current moment. Sometimes the mind has things smart enough to decide about but the heart is hesitating to do, feeling too sympathetic about things, with me being a Feeler, having Sensing characteristics; to be able to feel things with my senses. It goes opposite ways, at different timings, and it can be quite strange. Even for me, i know i'm not such a nice or good person. But the mind and heart wants to keep it neutral for myself, also for others. And i don't know, without realizing it, i have let those i care about down. When the heart wants to cause joy for others by making up jokes, the mind sarcastically says what i never intended to say in those jokes... etc. As i once imagined a world of me and a close guy friend seven years older than me living in a world of our own, we argued way often. The arguments were caused by nothing serious but they did turn serious. But it was a close friendship that was based on a principle: no argument, no fun. So unintended jokes turned into arguments but they were just for the sake of adding happiness and life into the friendship itself, or everyday is going to be another same day. An argument can really turn bad, into a real one and no more fun in it, but that would be another part of the story. I was used to imagining this, i took it out on the real world itself, maybe, that i never realised if i ever ended up having a serious argument with someone when i thought i was just joking. My bad, that'd be. The point here is that i never intend to cause anyone any hard feelings by anything i said, darn, it was stupid of me if that ever happened, coz i'd rather be lazy than annoying. Both my mind and heart, and added with my soul, spirit, body and anything else that goes, hate it if i ever hurt anyone's feelings. Unless, if you deserve to be hurt back since you never care about anyone else, but so far, i've only met one person who is like this, and this is a she - an ex-classmate of last year. Allah has the best punishment for her, and, i think she already got it, this year. That is, why it's important to take care of your heart... don't get it dirty by always criticising others. That classmate of mine has been doing that the entire year, and i've been way sick of it.

Talking about the heart can be tiring. I know it always ends up hurting my feelings by the end of the day, i don't know if i really get anything, nothing's changed. But i feel that i have to post this somehow, with this already being kept as draft since the past few weeks, i'll just post it up right away already with some more alterations. Even for the days after this, i will still be what i am now, same freakishly imaginative mind, same crying but happy heart as always: hopefully will be able to do much better, like the previously mentioned issue regarding unintentionally saying bad things to people.

Entry of the heart (women), a bit of the mind, and a bit of Hana Yori Dango and Makino and my feelings plus ISFP, stops then.

come back down 11.3.08

For certain reasons I haven't updated in what I consider in a long time. But if I were to update before this, I was going to talk about the same thing in each entry, so I decided not to talk about it at all. Then this time, it's a different thing.

It was suddenly here, today, for a moment I couldn't identify what the heck it was. Some would say it is really no biggie of a problem but honestly, I know how bad it was. It affected my semester last year. Seems like whatever that existed long ago as I recalled to be the worst thing in my life is happening again now. That pain is building up inside, and I wasn't sure how it began building up in the first place, just like I wasn't sure how to explain the reasons of why it happened. Depression. Anxiety. I thought I got over this, I thought the last tragedy of thaipusam would not repeat itself. I wouldn't wanna spend a day in the room on a public holiday, suddenly finding myself feeling almost choked up inside, as if my world was going to stumble and I was really going to die somehow, and there was no escape. And on that particular day I just dropped down; to find myself crying after my Asar prayer, not even taking my telekung off, without being able to find a cause, then running straight into my housemate's room and lay on her bed; tears then kept coming out without a sound anymore, as I kept quiet, with I dunno-what in my head, barely moving my body by a single bit as I lay on my housemate's bed, much to her concern. Little pieces of round, edible thing I took orally, supposed to save me, but somehow I think it had another effect on me of Allah-knows-what, wallahualam, not that I intentionally just want to blame everything on this drug I have been taking since over a year ago; it's just that generally speaking, drugs can be unpredictable. If a simple sugar pill of placebo can somehow psychologically affect clinical trials, so can real pharmaceutical drugs - it could affect people in many ways people never thought imaginable. I have been researching for psychiatric drugs, and I have also been taking some of it for myself, so I know quite some lot about this particular type of drug. If it doesn't show its effects today, maybe tomorrow it would, or some time tomorrow, or some long time from now, we never know, which can be influenced by environmental factors, or the things or people around us. I never felt this way for the longest time now, the last time was some several months ago last year, of feeling like I could really die because of the depressive feeling I had in between me. I remember I felt I would rather die one afternoon after class during ausmat, and I went off to mcdonalds to try to make myself feel better by having lunch there all alone rather than having lunch at cemara with my classmates. A contributing factor here now could be that I have no idea what is going on around me here in monash, I have been incredibly slow in trying to cope with things around me and I feel like I could barely do it. Things going on now are not how it was before… it used to be quite different in a way. I don't know who to tell these things to since they are so complicated, not the typical problems that other people can probably see-through, even though, all problems can be told to friends but never solved by them - it does at least make a difference just by sharing; but still, it's not that simple by me. It's not a matter of saying "I have a pimple" as a simple problem to another friend, knowing the other friend can't solve it for you but you say it to make yourself feel better, just by sharing your problem - it doesn't work this way, though, not for my case. This is something concerning what I feel, and if this sounds nuts then be it: my own mental health. There was someone I used to confide to, but why, I miss it… for a reason I can't identify, we don't contact each other as often as we used to before. I don't know now, I really don't know. I could be frowning hard by this hour, and laugh hard by the next minute, and frown again by the next second. The happiness isn't there to stay. Only I'd know how bad this is gonna get and I don't know if it would grow worse than it ever was than in ausmat last year. Ya Allah, why is it coming back to me?