out of the closet - keluar almari 23.2.08

apa yang kufahami dari sini?

kali ni kurasakan mahu berbahasa melayu. dan sesungguhnya hari ini sesuatu yang aku tidak gemar telah berlaku sekali lagi. adakah kau anggap aku menyalahkan kau?

aku tidak sama sekali berniat untuk menyalahkan sesiapa. tapi nampaknya kau telah melihat situasi ini seperti aku menyalahkan kau, malah lebih teruk dari aku pernah menyalahkan kau dari sebelum ini pun. tapi bukanlah begitu. bukankah aku katakan aku mahu menebus kesalahanku yang sebelum ini? disebabkan kau tidak setuju, aku tetap berasa tidak selesa, dan rasa bersalah itu dikira takkan hilang hinggalah aku melakukan suatu tindakan. dan bagiku tindakan ini juga akan memberi manfaat kepada orang lain pada masa yang sama, namun ini bukanlah semata-mata menyalahkan sesiapa. kerana pada akhirnya, hari itu, aku berasa gembira dapat juga menyelesaikan sebahagian daripada hal-hal yang perlu diselesaikan, walaupun targetku ialah untuk selesaikan semua. aku pergi, sebab utama, untuk perasaan bersalahku ini sendiri. dan untuk meringankan beban kau, setelah aku bersalah kepada kau yang telah menunggu kami hari itu sekian lama. dan mungkin juga kerana ini perjanjian milik kau, dan bukan orang lain, pantas sekali aku membuat keputusan, jika tidak setelah fikir sepanjang malam sampai ke pagi pun entahlah aku mahu pergi atau tidak. aku begitu pasti akan tindakanku itu, aku pergi dengan rela. sama sekali aku tidak terasa terpaksa untuk pergi, tapi bagaikan terasa aktif dan bebas kerana dapat bergerak sendiri melakukan sesuatu urusan. dan aku telah tidak mempedulikan apa kata orang lain. namun mungkin aku tidak terfikirkan mereka akan memperkatakannya kepada kau. bukanlah bermaksud aku tidak langsung berasa bahawa apa yang aku lakukan itu adalah tidak patut, kerana memang aku sepatutnya tidak patut membuat sesuatu itu tanpa kebenaran orang yang berkenaan dengannya, mengetahui dengan jelas yang tindakanku akan menyebabkan kau marah sekiranya ia diketahui. jika aku sendiri pun aku pasti akan marah. dan untuk ini memang aku tahu ia adalah sesuatu yang tidak patut.

aku juga mengharapkan sesuatu. katakan saja apa yang terkubur dalam benak kau itu. bagaimana kau harapkan aku untuk faham sekiranya kau biar saja pemikiran kau terperangkap dalam diri kau tanpa menjelaskannya pada aku? aku tak mampu nak memahami setiap sudut, cuma sebahagian, lagi-lagi jika kau hanya memikirkan dan hanya melakukan tapi enggan menjelaskan kepadaku. aku tidak dapat membaca fikiran orang, aku hanya manusia biasa. kau juga begitu, dan kau juga bukanlah memahami aku sepertimana yang aku harapkan juga. kau mengatakan aku menyalahkan kau, tapi itu bukanlah yang sebenar-benarnya. terutama sekali aku tidak pernah menganggap keadaan menjadi lebih teruk dari tahun lepas kerana bagiku kau telah menjadi lebih baik tahun ini dan aku amat bersyukur, kerana percaya atau tidak aku berdoa berkenaan perkara ini untuk kebaikan kehidupan kita semua. dan tidak kisahlah apa yang berlaku dalam proses kita memperbaiki kehidupan kita itu, asalkan dapat menjadi lebih baik dan bahagia. jika kau menjerit kepadaku dalam library pun, aku tetap dapat menerimanya. aku telah dapat menggambarkan keadaan sekiranya apa yang aku lakukan hari itu diketahui, seteruk mana pun, bagaikan tau-tau saja ia akan diketahui walaupun aku cuba untuk ia tidak berlaku. dan mungkin sekali aku sudah biasa dengan keadaan seperti itu, dan aku telah pun sedia untuk menerimanya. aku rela kau melepaskan perasaanmu sebegitu daripada diam sahaja, atas keputusan kau sendiri bahawa aku tidak memahami apa-apa. hanya kerana perkataan maaf atau marah, kau membuat keputusan tidak mahu memberitahu aku apa-apa. aku pula kadangkala tidak tahu apa pula yang harus dilakukan, kerana aku tahu terus diam pasti sesuatu yang kau benci. memperkatakan marah, adalah suatu perkara yang aku fikirkan ketika itu. you're angry, that's my thought, but i wasn't sure that was the case. akhirnya aku tidak pasti kenapa kau terus membisu walaupun seakan-akan mahu memperkatakan banyak perkara. banyak perkara aku tidak tahu, dan kau harus beritahu aku sekiranya aku harus faham. dan sesungguhnya, aku mahu memahami. dengan hanya memandang aku sahaja aku tidak dapat menangkap mesej yang kau ingin sampaikan. kadangkala aku juga berbuat begitu. belum lagi menceritakan apa-apa lagi, telah pun membuat keputusan bahawa pihak yang lagi satu tidak memahami keadaan aku. dan akhirnya, salah faham telah berlaku. aku dalam proses untuk membaiki skil komunikasi aku, dengan tidak hanya berdiam diri sepanjang masa seperti tahun lepas. aku tahu aku masih mempunyai banyak benda perlu diperbaiki, dan aku percaya kau juga begitu. aku percaya itulah yang termasuk dalam kehidupan baru yang kau katakan. dan aku cuba untuk memahami. dan sebagai manusia, bukanlah aku dapat memahaminya seratus peratus. mungkin sebahagian dari kehidupan baru itu... hanya cadangan... kau berterus-terang dengan ku.

aku sudah biasa jika kau mahu memaki aku. asalkan kau dapat berterus-terang dengan aku. aku hanya menangis jika kau berdiam diri, tandanya kau berahsia: it is like anger in silence. dan perkataan malas dari kau itu sendiri membuat kuterasa: apa lagi yang dapat kulakukan, jika dia mahu aku memahami, tapi enggan memberitahuku apa-apa. dan dengan itu aku bertindak mengatakan benda lain daripada yang aku fikirkan asalnya, mengetahui kau tidak dapat berterus-terang kepada aku.

out here we go 22.2.08

there are many international girls in my 10-people apartment alone, it sure makes me feel like i'm away from home already. there hasn't been much to expect since i first entered monash, but it sure has been quite enjoyable, with some few hassles and some lot of laughters and not to mention, i've caused a lot of trouble for some other people in the event of wanting to help. i had a strange idea to carry out a friend's deal all the way to the end, in the hopes that it'd be settled. did i settle it? no. do i really think i'm that smart? no. this never meant to make anything more messy, really. but i was really glad i tried to do whatever i could out of it, and i never regretted it.

for now, there are 12 biotechnology students here under mara at monash university malaysia, inclusive of me - sya, aquila, anis, nabil and another nabil, azuadi, wandie, rasyid, adib, bob, fik. and apparently as i just found out, nad wil be quitting and we don't know about juan, for should be changing courses now, since the thing is, mara will not be sponsoring for business courses. this is a pity.

as a senior of ausmat and 2nd year of monash student in biotech now said to me, it's important to struggle early and be alert, not just at the last minute, that is, for any chance to fly. i believe we all can do it, and i hope we all can do it together, without anyone missing out by the end of the day.

even though i don't have much expectations, i'm quite afraid. and here there's a new environment around, more stuff waiting out there. focus.

before packing 15.2.08

it's 1.26 am. i'm yet to pack my bags, as usual, and i'm supposed to go check in at the apartment tomorrow, go to my sister's apartment in shah alam to re-format my laptop and maybe go out later on and even have more things to do after that. disorganisation, as always, and i'm always so damn relaxed. thanks to disorganisation also, i'm yet to complete my deal with mara agreement, douH. some certain things come into my head and escape just like that, and i happen to just ignore it subconsciously even though i knew i have it in my head earlier on. what does that mean again?

ignore it, sigh~ it means i forget things easily, to put it the easy way.

monash life is about to start, and i would the very least expect to do it better this time around. i knew i can do better than how i did the last time in ausmat18, i was damn close. yet i didn't think i was that frustrated enough, maybe i was simply to tired to feel frustrated anymore at that time. enough of what happened in the past, time to look forward. although looking forward, not everything seemed that bright. certain things still seemed the same.

well, one thing about me remained the same, the heart. it sure got confused before, yeah. but it sure didn't mean to cause any burden to anyone regarded to what it felt. it sure still feels the same.

well, smile for the world... don't vomit during the process~ +_+"

people dimensions 11.2.08

i could be living in a world of different dimensions, obviously not in terms of physics, but in terms of personality, or is it emotions? the dimensions change according to situation and the people that i am with: family @ friends. this is almost always most troublesome to me when persons from these 2 groups of people are around me at the same time, creating a whole different realm for me - which sounds weird, crazy maybe, but the way i felt? it definitely should be described as so. because i notice that i act differently in front of each of these 2 groups of people, and when the 2 groups mix together at the same time, a different me is produced - i became a more confused person of which person i should be, thus i say it was a dimensional difference in terms of personality.

in front of my family, i am always silent, almost hardly speaking anything at all. but that doesn't mean i don't have fun times around my family. it is obvious that i almost never speak out much around them, but i do give response, my own way. since the past few months, the household at my home in seremban here are = abah, mak, kak aqiey, abang qiyam and me. dinner time, we are always eating together, which is usually when we talk to each other the most, if not when the whole family would be watching tv together some other time upstairs. dinner table is where dad would usually be talking the most, and i'd join in occasionally. at times when some jokes are cracked up, it was unavoidable to laugh out hard along with everyone else, although somehow i'd try to make the least sound amongst others other than laughing while watching the tv (tv is in front of the dinner table). gotta admit, all these years of living with my family, i was always silent as i never thought anyone would ever listen to me, somehow it feels shy to be at your own home with your own family. but it's a different shyness than the kind i felt with friends, as shyness with my family is something i have lived with in comfort. therefore it feels hard to change since it's something i am used to, and i am comfortable at being so, as they (my family) are still all happy people - they still love me no matter what i become. occasionally it becomes a surprise when i do talk and say some strange things, as kak aqiey puts it, sekali adik cakap, fuh~ - that is to say that i can be, maybe, quite cynical once i do talk, for instance, when it comes to things that mom are dissatisfied with dad, and i give my opinion on it when kak aqiey asked me - it strikes, somehow, with truth, of what i said, to dad, sometimes that he couldn't deny. that's why sometimes, out of the blue, kak aqiey asks me for my opinion on things, and they know i have been listening to their conversation although i didn't take part in talking along. comfort at home is what makes it good to stay home without going out, i guess. i can see it sometimes, that my family members are the ones trying harder to make communication with me than i am with them. i don't know why, i've been a silent kid at home ever since i was a kid. it's really hard, i don't wanna stay silent forever, especially not here at home where it's obvious that i'm still too silent compared to than when i am with friends. though i know i'm gradually changing since the national service~ it's getting quite unsure, where it's leading, and dad would ask me often, to SPEAK UP more. not just dad, but everyone, and they've been reminding me of this ever since years ago. this is what caused confusion in me, whether i should be talking little or much more, when family AND friends are together at the same time and place.

being around friends have been somewhat different, although i won't say i'm all noisy in front of friends, not really. i was voted shyest kid in class for many times at school before, at those times when i really speak less than 10 words per person per day, sitting alone stuck at my desk the entire day in SMK Puteri days. similar reason, i fear rejection if i ever try to go and join everyone else, so i preferred to pretend to be doing something else. maybe, this is an attitude that i still carry forward until today, not fully but maybe partially. there's still something in me that prefers to be alone rather than being with people, still, i do enjoy being with others sometimes. because of this, over time, i knew i had to change somehow. getting out of Puteri and into MRSM, i had a tough time adjusting in a mixed school, but that was at least a start to somewhere to lead me to becoming a better person. if being silent with my family was still something that's comforting, being silent with friends definitely wasn't comforting at all. it makes me anxious, worried, sad and feel bad everytime. thus a change is a must in this case, somehow, and i managed to make it happen; i could see the difference when i look back at it now, in comparison, although i'm far from where i wanna be. long way to go, the journey is still way ahead of me. but it makes me more comfortable to have more friends, socialise and laugh more, just having fun knowing more people no matter who they are, and it definitely lessens the bad, sad feelings that i felt before. thus, friends, are very important to me, but still, family always comes first - that's for sure, no matter what it seems like.

it seems weird, but for the moment, the comfort zone is OK at both dimensions with both groups of people. i'm not saying my comfort zone with my family will be destroyed if i talk more with them, it's just that it's a change that i will have to adapt with quite harder than how i adapted with my friends - but i'm sure, it will be a better comfort zone for my family dimension if i'm able to talk more with them, and i sure will keep trying no matter how long it will take. mom and dad will be the ones both questioning me of when i will speak up more, they will do that again in the future, and i know i can't stop it, because i'm their daughter, and of course they want me to talk to them about things, even though things seem quite hard to change now at 20 years old. besides, i don't want personality confusion when these two dimensions recur anymore, since they're both very important in my life, and it is messy when i am confused like that O_o

conclusion: both comfort zones still need more work. ^_^ ganbarimasu!

made in japan 4.2.08

i had a crazy thought in my mind - i think i was made in japan.
so what the heck does that mean?

my whole family went to japan and stayed there back then before the 90s even before i ever existed, back in the days when my dad still had his long hair and my mom had her big round specs. my 3 elder sisters all followed along, lived there too. kak zahi, my 3rd sis was too young to remember anything. my 1st and 2nd sis was able to go to school there, my eldest sister kak ilya could still remember some japanese till now. i remember the last time she came back home here in seremban, she asked me for some specific japanese mp3s, and even wrote them in hiragana - a simple enough written kokoro. cute though, looking back at the old pictures of them living in japan, wearing those skirts and those simple bags. my 2nd sis, kak aqiey doesn't seem to remember much of any japanese like kak ilya does. not that she's even interested to re-learn it anyway. kak zahi remembers nothing at all but she has her own pictures, amusing ones. they all were playing with snow! yah - made me jealous a lil bit - i've never been outside of peninsular malaysia, haha. not even to any islands around here, the last one was penang, and that was years ago, and before that was langkawi, and even that was ages ago.

the made in japan thing? well i think my interest in learning japanese that began years ago that had not disappeared till today, in fact probably been building up, is because my parents had me in a japanese atmosphere. i mean i wasn't born there, but before i was born, the process before that... maybe... you know, maybe, anyway. coz they all came back home to malaysia after staying in japan, tho i'm not sure how long afterward. i'm not sure bout it, i'm not about to ask them anyway :_:

dad also used to take a peek at the door at night and say oyasuminasai before going to bed at night and i'd reply the same thing shyly, i think, when i was a kid, each of us at our own bedroom door. he's the one who is more of the japanese expert in this house, compared to everyone else. mom doesn't seem to know much, and as mom puts it, she said my hiragana is quite nice. uhm, of course, i guess, since i copied that straight from where i learned it from, which is the computer. my 2nd sis is saying i'm rajin coz of this hobby. dey, or else won't have anything else to do. my bro-in-law is asking me questions too. haha, as if i'm an expert.

still, to be able to write something, a new language that doesn't involve abc, fun with strokes (kanji) - it gets interesting, if i can start reading japanese or even write it.

made in japan, me? really? i dont think so, its just a bakarashii theory, i can laugh at it. i've been called a budak jepun during form 5, being appointed as the girl who writes 1 new japanese word a day on the whiteboard of my class, and it becomes quite an attention from all, students and teachers, with weird (or long) phrases such as "happy birthday" - otanjobi omedetto gozaimasu", of which the gozaimasu can probably be omitted to wish someone happy birthday. when this attracted attention from an anime fan of the class, he told his buddies from other classes - somehow word spread, about me, being a japanese language fan, also an anime fan. even other class students were asking me japanese then, which was somehow a weird thing. it came to a point that i was too caught up with SPM that i stopped updating my japanese column on the whiteboard. up till now, i already have quite a few books with me. a really huge japanese dictionary, like the oxford kind (whew!) japanese to malay and a few other bilingual dictionaries of malay-japanese. i lost my phrase book and my vocab book :(
well, kinda dunno where i put them though ever since my sister's wedding! disorganization disaster X[

baka na~

ongoing feeling~ 3.2.08

been talking to myself more than often lately.
is PMS striking? i think i hardly get that, and as my other self puts it, once it strikes, it strikes really bad. but i disagree. this isnt just that, it's a worse feeling. and it's been lasting longer than few days now. nowhere else to confide to other than to Allah and to my blogger, here.

yesterday was a reminder to a lot of things in my life, though. meeting friends i haven't met in a while, of those in primary school (accidentally) and in ausmat, for what maybe the last time.i met the 2 classmates of mine who will fly after this to australia, to curtin university. although because of my depressed feeling, i almost felt like i never ever wanted to go anywhere outside of my home, i still went to see them - it still went okay, it was good. managed to get a lil bit of info, maybe for me to fly next year~ God willing, if that will happen, insyaAllah this time ganbarimasu. another friend gave me a present, this one too will fly, with a lot of problems going on inside her head regarding transportation as she lives in kelantan. when the time came to part, it made me remember aussie 10. this class sucks and rocks at the same time for its own reasons. leaving them, saying goodbyes, with me in this really bad mood - ah, the phone's battery was dead - it doesnt make it any easier for me.

back in my room in my home, it just got messier than ever.
i'm back to the down-under feeling that i'm living in and not seem to be getting out of it.
this phone of mine, i wish to throw it to the fuchsia wall and watch it shatter. yet that wil never make things any simpler for me. wil need to contact qeela, go to mara to get the letter from them soon.

dont know why 1.2.08

its been a while..
when was the last time it felt dis way?
~..
left out alone
socially depleted
on the bed she had pieces of papers
lil books, some clothes, some food
like a bed-turned mini work station
off into her own world

these days unlike the days they were before
as solemn as they could be
hidden tears
i cant find a reason for them to come out
i dont care how arguable
i dont know why
staring out in the open
i'm stuck here
i dont know why
i'm all alone
theres no one here
i dont know why
some things change
some things stay the same
i dont know why
symphony of the melody is a harmony
yet it doesn't make me happy
i dont know why
i'm here out in the open
and no one cares
i dont know why
feels like hurting myself
unknowing how
i dont know why
i dont know how
i dont know what to do
i dont know.