tech ban 21.1.08

this i'd never thought would happen, but i'm banning myself from computers... sorta.
any perfectly moderating computers that can be turned on that simply put, can enable me to login to friendster, download, torrent, blog etc just like what i'm doing at the moment. in fact... no laptop, tv whatsoever - just sleep!

well, once in a while can be forgiven, so what i'm doing now is what's once in a while. i cant just throw what used to be half of my life away just like that. i dun even know... i'm not even in monash yet, who knows? even wandie know how an evernote maniac i am~ like really needy of a comp software like dat to keep track of my notes... but if i dont use comp anymore then what?

tv? not a big fan of too much of anything, so that's fine.

after this, if i'm not around as often as i used to anymore then i hope it's understood... (i've banned myself O_o) wherever on the net, anyway.

if anything, i'll keep the laptop on straight with the lids closed just for listening to the music *0*

then, if not on the net, see u in the real world... T_T

complications 6.1.08

i'm 0.5 point away from australia. all left now would be the money to study there. no, goodbye to u, for now.

dad is hopeful & ambitious. in fact any dad or parent would be, of their children.
in fact now, he's the one more enthusiastic bout my education more than i am. i dunno bout me anymore. it's that i've sorta given up about going to fly some time ago and i'm not in to try to re-live that chance anymore, even if dad's stil wanting to try. he'd up for meeting officers & ministers etc, but i told him not to. aye, dont hope for it, coz i've long let go of that hope. no need to waste energy for it anymore.

it ends up leaving me with a bad, sunken feeling. who has given up and who is more hopeful now? who did i disappoint more - myself or my parents? whose feelings matter more? my parents r those whose feelings i dun wanna hurt the most. they matter more than i matter to myself. all dis time living without much talked about, they're still the ones i love the most. the last people on earth i'd wanna hurt. all the time without much spoken by myself be it at school, home or wherever i was, 1 of the only life purposes that i can think of is to not disappoint them - or else it disappoints me. other than a good education, i seem to have nothing else in my life, other than them and my own world i lived in. other stuff seem like new things that frighten me - its like, better choose to stay away.

early july, i've already thought about giving up. thru out the year i never thought to go thru what i did. at dat moment i'm already failing at a lot of things, not simply in class. dat moment i was just gonna finish up ausmat n see how i will do coz i alredi gave up the ticket to aussie.not give up by quitting totally. i might not have a strong reason for it, i'm no medic student, got no family probs, just my own personal probs that still, do bother me.

but there were the people around me. they were with me. they may never realise the effect of just simply being there in my life, wanting to help, but they did make that difference 4 me. at least i tried whatever i could. i just tried being myself.

4 siblings of all females and i'm last... somehow attention is on me since i was a kid. considered the smart kid in the family. my 3rd sis had often thought back then dat our parents listened to me more than they ever did to her - so dat makes me d spoiled kid. stil, even for all the troubles caused at school, she was probably my closest friend back then. my 2nd sis said i never really went thru any failure only till recently, so she said it's why i'm having a bad time now coz supposedly i was always happy b4. my mom and dad always thought i could pull anything thru, however hard, as i'd always been able to do it all the years. rajin, terer, pandai, the words often used to say bout me. predictable, they say i am.

is everything rili so simple?

not really.

so i might just say the same old "they dont understand" thing here again, it wont make a difference. they're stil my family, forever. and i'm no longer interested to make anyone understand. i know i am impossible to understand, even how much i try to simplify things. my graph of life was high and steady, of which in between those times they were things i hid that pretty much killed me. the no-one-would-understand stuff were left untold. when life fell off it suddenly felt like it wont rise again. steady but low. the point where i gave up was where i fell.

so at the mara office, when pn junaidah asked me, bob, aquila - nape tak blajar betul2?

it was so much more difficult than that. err, madam, i got GAD and agoraphobia? other things in life hav been TOUGH too? maybe dis whole life-is-complicated thing is caused by none other but ourselves, everyone has problems too... still, it bothers us - life is hard at this stage and beyond. so really, this kind of questions are unnecessary. there's only so much to answer to these "why" questions anymore. why? kenape? been asking it a lot. and i got tired of answering it... i'll never get it right.

there's never a fullstop to such things, really... go on. keep moving on. no matter what happened. whatever happens. however bad or good. whoever there in my life. this is who i am.

a little memory...

"dogheh la, kito dah lambek nih. copek skit. maleh den nak nunggu."
dats nogori language.

"awat dok lambat nih. lekeh la. pi buat ayaq bagi depa sat."
utara - perlis language.

at least dat was sorta like it. i sorta grew up in both plus the usual bahasa melayu and english (not to mention rojak style). it's stil interesting to note bout last week having a mix of those languages (or dialects, whatever it is). my cousin from perlis was kinda puzzled when my relatives from kuala pilah (negeri sembilan) came to our house to help out with the kenduri, telling me that she sorta didnt understand their nogori way of speaking. when my parents, my siblings and i all left our house, and all left were them (perlis + n9) and the bride sis of mine (bz in her room doing make up), dad reminded the n9 relatives to speak the usual bahasa melayu, so that its easier to understand by the perlis people.

and as noted so far, my bro-in-laws have all come from utara side of the country. 1st one came from kulim, the recent 2nd one from sungai petani. maybe the 3rd one is gonna be from alor setar. hehehe... the n9-utara bond seems to be passed to the younger generations... my dad from n9, my mom from perlis.

arau, perlis. the whole family love going back there, with my mom's other 5 siblings & their family there. its never quiet, basically, its always funny - talk talk talk and laugh all the way, so balik kampung here will usually make my mom, dad and the siblings (& their spouses) sleep late, just by talking. usual place to go for buying things include padang besar... and also wang kelian, where i heard the people speak thai a lot. i remember being in perlis when i was little when i tried saying ayaq (or something like it) = meaning water. everyone laughed at me for that attempt, apparently it sounded something else. dun remember it much, tho...

seri menanti, kuala pilah. now if its ever a trip to pilah, its always a trip through bukit putus - which only means headache. the roads here are by the hillside, they're like snakes. a little mistake in driving here - boleh terbabas jatuh gaung. i often used to vomit when i was a kid going through these roads, these days it'd at least be a headache. once out of it, we're off to seri menanti - even passing thru the pintu gerbang u could see taik lembu around the roads. in the kampungs ahead, there'll sure be cows wandering by the roads. some roads r very narrow, its quite dangerous to park cars by the road side - some cars r still very speedy in this kampung area. dis is also where i began eating tapai, and liked it ever since. speaking nogori... dunno how it sounds, but i can stil sorta do it..

thats crazy in simplified complexity, of usual life in perlis & kuala pilah.

wonder.... 3.1.08

i got off wondering today...

if people considered me too nice..
or un-serious about certain things, if they think i can be so short-minded and childish..
if people think i can sulk so easily..
if they think they're too different from me, to be with me..
if i can ever make myself appear un-nice.. maybe it'd be good, since that really is who i am..
if people wil ever stop looking at me the same way..
the same old sickening way..
if people would ever give me a chance.. chance of acceptance and not the same perception or judgment..

i've been forgotten by many...
in the end i get left behind. and i don't know how to make it right anymore since i'm not sure what i'm doing wrong... and no one would help or by the very least would tell me...

maybe...
i wonder...
i'm meant to be alone forever
besides.. who cares

congrats to my sis who just recently got married... my new bro-in-law is quite interesting..huhu.. altho wedding preparations were hectic, it ended up well..
i'm happy for them..
since wedding stuff are always so complicated, maybe i should never marry anyone.. huhu... that's simplifying life enough, for me to live a life in simplicity...
let's just be happy for others...
and live a calm, comfy life.