people dimensions 11.2.08

i could be living in a world of different dimensions, obviously not in terms of physics, but in terms of personality, or is it emotions? the dimensions change according to situation and the people that i am with: family @ friends. this is almost always most troublesome to me when persons from these 2 groups of people are around me at the same time, creating a whole different realm for me - which sounds weird, crazy maybe, but the way i felt? it definitely should be described as so. because i notice that i act differently in front of each of these 2 groups of people, and when the 2 groups mix together at the same time, a different me is produced - i became a more confused person of which person i should be, thus i say it was a dimensional difference in terms of personality.

in front of my family, i am always silent, almost hardly speaking anything at all. but that doesn't mean i don't have fun times around my family. it is obvious that i almost never speak out much around them, but i do give response, my own way. since the past few months, the household at my home in seremban here are = abah, mak, kak aqiey, abang qiyam and me. dinner time, we are always eating together, which is usually when we talk to each other the most, if not when the whole family would be watching tv together some other time upstairs. dinner table is where dad would usually be talking the most, and i'd join in occasionally. at times when some jokes are cracked up, it was unavoidable to laugh out hard along with everyone else, although somehow i'd try to make the least sound amongst others other than laughing while watching the tv (tv is in front of the dinner table). gotta admit, all these years of living with my family, i was always silent as i never thought anyone would ever listen to me, somehow it feels shy to be at your own home with your own family. but it's a different shyness than the kind i felt with friends, as shyness with my family is something i have lived with in comfort. therefore it feels hard to change since it's something i am used to, and i am comfortable at being so, as they (my family) are still all happy people - they still love me no matter what i become. occasionally it becomes a surprise when i do talk and say some strange things, as kak aqiey puts it, sekali adik cakap, fuh~ - that is to say that i can be, maybe, quite cynical once i do talk, for instance, when it comes to things that mom are dissatisfied with dad, and i give my opinion on it when kak aqiey asked me - it strikes, somehow, with truth, of what i said, to dad, sometimes that he couldn't deny. that's why sometimes, out of the blue, kak aqiey asks me for my opinion on things, and they know i have been listening to their conversation although i didn't take part in talking along. comfort at home is what makes it good to stay home without going out, i guess. i can see it sometimes, that my family members are the ones trying harder to make communication with me than i am with them. i don't know why, i've been a silent kid at home ever since i was a kid. it's really hard, i don't wanna stay silent forever, especially not here at home where it's obvious that i'm still too silent compared to than when i am with friends. though i know i'm gradually changing since the national service~ it's getting quite unsure, where it's leading, and dad would ask me often, to SPEAK UP more. not just dad, but everyone, and they've been reminding me of this ever since years ago. this is what caused confusion in me, whether i should be talking little or much more, when family AND friends are together at the same time and place.

being around friends have been somewhat different, although i won't say i'm all noisy in front of friends, not really. i was voted shyest kid in class for many times at school before, at those times when i really speak less than 10 words per person per day, sitting alone stuck at my desk the entire day in SMK Puteri days. similar reason, i fear rejection if i ever try to go and join everyone else, so i preferred to pretend to be doing something else. maybe, this is an attitude that i still carry forward until today, not fully but maybe partially. there's still something in me that prefers to be alone rather than being with people, still, i do enjoy being with others sometimes. because of this, over time, i knew i had to change somehow. getting out of Puteri and into MRSM, i had a tough time adjusting in a mixed school, but that was at least a start to somewhere to lead me to becoming a better person. if being silent with my family was still something that's comforting, being silent with friends definitely wasn't comforting at all. it makes me anxious, worried, sad and feel bad everytime. thus a change is a must in this case, somehow, and i managed to make it happen; i could see the difference when i look back at it now, in comparison, although i'm far from where i wanna be. long way to go, the journey is still way ahead of me. but it makes me more comfortable to have more friends, socialise and laugh more, just having fun knowing more people no matter who they are, and it definitely lessens the bad, sad feelings that i felt before. thus, friends, are very important to me, but still, family always comes first - that's for sure, no matter what it seems like.

it seems weird, but for the moment, the comfort zone is OK at both dimensions with both groups of people. i'm not saying my comfort zone with my family will be destroyed if i talk more with them, it's just that it's a change that i will have to adapt with quite harder than how i adapted with my friends - but i'm sure, it will be a better comfort zone for my family dimension if i'm able to talk more with them, and i sure will keep trying no matter how long it will take. mom and dad will be the ones both questioning me of when i will speak up more, they will do that again in the future, and i know i can't stop it, because i'm their daughter, and of course they want me to talk to them about things, even though things seem quite hard to change now at 20 years old. besides, i don't want personality confusion when these two dimensions recur anymore, since they're both very important in my life, and it is messy when i am confused like that O_o

conclusion: both comfort zones still need more work. ^_^ ganbarimasu!

made in japan 4.2.08

i had a crazy thought in my mind - i think i was made in japan.
so what the heck does that mean?

my whole family went to japan and stayed there back then before the 90s even before i ever existed, back in the days when my dad still had his long hair and my mom had her big round specs. my 3 elder sisters all followed along, lived there too. kak zahi, my 3rd sis was too young to remember anything. my 1st and 2nd sis was able to go to school there, my eldest sister kak ilya could still remember some japanese till now. i remember the last time she came back home here in seremban, she asked me for some specific japanese mp3s, and even wrote them in hiragana - a simple enough written kokoro. cute though, looking back at the old pictures of them living in japan, wearing those skirts and those simple bags. my 2nd sis, kak aqiey doesn't seem to remember much of any japanese like kak ilya does. not that she's even interested to re-learn it anyway. kak zahi remembers nothing at all but she has her own pictures, amusing ones. they all were playing with snow! yah - made me jealous a lil bit - i've never been outside of peninsular malaysia, haha. not even to any islands around here, the last one was penang, and that was years ago, and before that was langkawi, and even that was ages ago.

the made in japan thing? well i think my interest in learning japanese that began years ago that had not disappeared till today, in fact probably been building up, is because my parents had me in a japanese atmosphere. i mean i wasn't born there, but before i was born, the process before that... maybe... you know, maybe, anyway. coz they all came back home to malaysia after staying in japan, tho i'm not sure how long afterward. i'm not sure bout it, i'm not about to ask them anyway :_:

dad also used to take a peek at the door at night and say oyasuminasai before going to bed at night and i'd reply the same thing shyly, i think, when i was a kid, each of us at our own bedroom door. he's the one who is more of the japanese expert in this house, compared to everyone else. mom doesn't seem to know much, and as mom puts it, she said my hiragana is quite nice. uhm, of course, i guess, since i copied that straight from where i learned it from, which is the computer. my 2nd sis is saying i'm rajin coz of this hobby. dey, or else won't have anything else to do. my bro-in-law is asking me questions too. haha, as if i'm an expert.

still, to be able to write something, a new language that doesn't involve abc, fun with strokes (kanji) - it gets interesting, if i can start reading japanese or even write it.

made in japan, me? really? i dont think so, its just a bakarashii theory, i can laugh at it. i've been called a budak jepun during form 5, being appointed as the girl who writes 1 new japanese word a day on the whiteboard of my class, and it becomes quite an attention from all, students and teachers, with weird (or long) phrases such as "happy birthday" - otanjobi omedetto gozaimasu", of which the gozaimasu can probably be omitted to wish someone happy birthday. when this attracted attention from an anime fan of the class, he told his buddies from other classes - somehow word spread, about me, being a japanese language fan, also an anime fan. even other class students were asking me japanese then, which was somehow a weird thing. it came to a point that i was too caught up with SPM that i stopped updating my japanese column on the whiteboard. up till now, i already have quite a few books with me. a really huge japanese dictionary, like the oxford kind (whew!) japanese to malay and a few other bilingual dictionaries of malay-japanese. i lost my phrase book and my vocab book :(
well, kinda dunno where i put them though ever since my sister's wedding! disorganization disaster X[

baka na~

ongoing feeling~ 3.2.08

been talking to myself more than often lately.
is PMS striking? i think i hardly get that, and as my other self puts it, once it strikes, it strikes really bad. but i disagree. this isnt just that, it's a worse feeling. and it's been lasting longer than few days now. nowhere else to confide to other than to Allah and to my blogger, here.

yesterday was a reminder to a lot of things in my life, though. meeting friends i haven't met in a while, of those in primary school (accidentally) and in ausmat, for what maybe the last time.i met the 2 classmates of mine who will fly after this to australia, to curtin university. although because of my depressed feeling, i almost felt like i never ever wanted to go anywhere outside of my home, i still went to see them - it still went okay, it was good. managed to get a lil bit of info, maybe for me to fly next year~ God willing, if that will happen, insyaAllah this time ganbarimasu. another friend gave me a present, this one too will fly, with a lot of problems going on inside her head regarding transportation as she lives in kelantan. when the time came to part, it made me remember aussie 10. this class sucks and rocks at the same time for its own reasons. leaving them, saying goodbyes, with me in this really bad mood - ah, the phone's battery was dead - it doesnt make it any easier for me.

back in my room in my home, it just got messier than ever.
i'm back to the down-under feeling that i'm living in and not seem to be getting out of it.
this phone of mine, i wish to throw it to the fuchsia wall and watch it shatter. yet that wil never make things any simpler for me. wil need to contact qeela, go to mara to get the letter from them soon.

dont know why 1.2.08

its been a while..
when was the last time it felt dis way?
~..
left out alone
socially depleted
on the bed she had pieces of papers
lil books, some clothes, some food
like a bed-turned mini work station
off into her own world

these days unlike the days they were before
as solemn as they could be
hidden tears
i cant find a reason for them to come out
i dont care how arguable
i dont know why
staring out in the open
i'm stuck here
i dont know why
i'm all alone
theres no one here
i dont know why
some things change
some things stay the same
i dont know why
symphony of the melody is a harmony
yet it doesn't make me happy
i dont know why
i'm here out in the open
and no one cares
i dont know why
feels like hurting myself
unknowing how
i dont know why
i dont know how
i dont know what to do
i dont know.