now... 22.12.07

there can be 2 ways to look at our situation now, if you're in any way in a similar situation as mine. we are either looking at the

-ve side:
frustation after all the while, tired, sad, pathetical, used up government's money - tried living in intec, spent 1.5 years going thru ausmat - hectic, busy, depressing, stressful, complicated, some think we made it when actually we didn't, hav to look for alternatives now, no more living thru the same aussie dream, family disappointment, suicide, running away, giving up

+ve side:
gained knowledge.. it all came from Allah, got experience, dealt with one of the deepest pain in life - something to remember, met new people, had great friends - laughed, had fun, shared interests, went thru ups & downs, knowing people who changed our life, those who helped us out - i know i won't ever forget, knowing different ppl and help each other - share out lives together, knowing shah alam, knowing intec - n its weirdness, going thru ausmat - hectic, crazy, baka, hilarious, outrageous, fun, unique, hav other chances out there - aussie's probably not the best place to be!, another of Allah's test - He loves us all!!


as Madam Gouri once told me, "You always have a choice, my dear. Always."
choose who we wanna be. =')

what;s been up? 16.12.07

reading - paper, chicken soup, etc
writing
checking email
doing friendster & facebook
online with ym
lazying around
scolded - stil bad at cooking, =P
surfing net
looking around
listening to music
find new music - japanese (l'arc en ciel is awesome), indo (hujan is cool, apparently) etc
downloading
gaming
blog
checking out berlitz japanese audio
go thru berlitz essential
practise it out
tv
sleep
pondering
wondering
plan to buy new phone - old one = damaged & stil is
helping for sis aqiey's wedding
waiting for exam results
hoping, praying
creeping myself out

everybody, wish you all good luck - best of luck! - and hope we all get the best and fly together!

days go on 07 13.12.07

today was a crowd like it never had been b4. a disabled man in his thirties was often glancing at me, i wasnt sure why. he kept shaking his feet while seated on the chairs there in the clinic, hentak kaki most of the time - the other man he was with had to tell him to stop it, but he said he couldnt, as he was hungry. while waiting for his turn to be called, he seemed eager to eat, to leave, but couldnt do that if the other man wouldnt accompany him.

2 policemen entered the clinic about 9am, with 1 of them had a guy in purple clothes handcuffed to his wrist. dis caught attention of a lot of other people there. my dad on the other hand, kept reading the newspaper. a boy sitting in front of him turned to the back to sorta join him reading it - he kept muttering things to himself. his mother scolded him later, but he seemed uncontrollable. my dad allowed him, so it didnt matter.

the lady at the front recognized me, the uitm student. i know, i could be the only 1 still a student there. the other lady, an older one, checked my blood pressure later on, asking me bout my studies. she was actually having a conversation with me, something i didnt expect she'd ever do - she had a loud voice, always looked rather fierce, and that moment was the 1st time i'd seen her smile, out of the many times i had been there b4. the "senyumlah" campaign may be worked out after all, i thought it was a simple banner put on the walls there - since the situation there was always kinda serious, stern, it was hard to see happiness. certainly we werent happy people as we all had to wait hours b4 we were called out. even unhappier, if some were being (sorta) scolded as they dont follow orders - but cant it be understandable that these are the type of people who r hard to control?

and there was a little girl. she made me amused the entire morning, singing "way way, go away, go again go other day" many times, being heard to the entire clinic - her dad, maybe, told her to stop several times. probably it made me think how the crowd there was so big that some people may think they'd better go another day.

i saw an old man in his seventies on a wheelchair. the nurses were talking to each other, they were with him, they were asking, wondering, where the man's son/daughter had gone to, as 1 of the nurses said the son/daughter was there b4. the man looked helpless, not able to answer well when being asked. somehw it just made me wonder, a lil curiosity, a worry, where did his son/daughter go? why leave him there?

and i'd have 1 last appointment, maybe, in january. the doc said she'd write me a letter if i needed it to go to australia - as expected anyway. further assessment in australia is good, she said. by seeing my condition, she said i need not alprazolam anymore, being addictive as that stuff was, few doctors would recommend it anyway. dat leaves me, with my white stuff.

writing all these, i dont wanna forget the condition of being here. there are many other people with different illnesses who are here, just like me. if taking medicine hadnt been so difficult, if deaths and sadness dont occur so often, i wouldve wanted to be a doctor... maybe. taking care of people in need and helping them, just to live a life again. give them hope. make them happy in such a gloomy place (hospital). make them feel ok even at times they were at their worst, even if in reality they had lil hope left. such places make me feel sad sometimes, they often teach me a lot. that's how it is, and more that i never know, life at the hospital.

days go on 06 8.12.07

whew. outside of my home, i fall asleep fast. less than 2 minutes in average. at home, there is no chance to fall asleep. well, i never really give myself that chance. in a way, it's really bad for my health. time all gets jumbled up and it makes ya tired. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. =)

well then lots of things have happened since the past 1 week, too dramatic for me to adjust to myself. obviously, i've showed just how emotional i could be, and that's really the truth of what i am. but indeed i still love being a happy person. not giving people a smile even on my worst days would really ruin my life even more. that's basically my nature, even though in a way that's not good at all as i'm hiding what i may feel deep inside. at the end of the day though, i still feel good about it, coz i managed to make no one worry about me, that makes me feel good enough =D

i hope i was never the kind of person who thinks too much. a complicated mindset that grew within me as i grow up, living the kind of life i've been having. but everyone's been destined to be somebody, believe in your fate. there is a reason for everything even though sometimes certain things are hard to comprehend. really though, the way i've been thinking has probably set me apart from my life with others. it made me keep away from things that i could really want, out of fear for things related to myself, the past and the people around me. imagine being afraid of snakes as your greatest fear... except for me, it ain't snakes but people. being afraid of them, you chase them away. hmm.. this could be a wrong way to describe my situation, but hehe, well, sort of something like that... chasing away what i fear, thinking it was the best decision. the difference is, what i'm chasing away is maybe what i needed in my life exactly... then to find that i regretted the decision, wishing i could turn back time.

but turning back time means i have to re-sit ssabsa exams.. LOL.. ok getting ridiculous here again. maybe i won't chase them away anymore. i'd welcome them in my life... but maybe not to a point of having a special someone anymore. friends are all great people actually! and they're all special in my life! if only i'm better at showing that feeling off to them.. hehe =')

right now kinda waiting for results of ssabsa to come out. somehow no one is liking their holiday.. that includes me. this is already december... 2007. the weirdest, most complicated year of my life. there are people i'll never forget whom i knew this year, happenings i'll keep forever in my heart and memories i'll cherish forever...
the moment is almost here, which is scaring me out bad. the outcome is unpredictable, yet i hope for the best. i hope God help us all, i really do.

only God knows..
-- check out romantic love song from 80's, i guess, rick price's heaven knows :)