broken 31.1.08

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Broken
via FoxyTunes

i lie awake...
broken.

it was a reason i could not tolerate. i was gonna go and see her today, but there was change of plans. it was an act of selfishness above what i would've done for her. this is a friend i would hardly get upset at. one i trust a lot, close, a confidante. and although she apologized a few times, i still haven't given her a response till now.

i lie awake...
broken.

dad turned around to look at me. i knew what he thought at hearing that. i played dumb. he turned his attention back to the tv. i know what he may have thought. maybe i will never change. that could be right. i'm a pathetic person. what a girl...

i lie awake...
broken.

to worsen the feeling. technology is the worst thing ever made if it isn't the best. other than giving me really bad health, all over again, taking my appetite away, it's psychologically killing me. phone, laptop, tv, anything. phone calls i can't pickup, slow websites, bad tv reception. i hate technology. take it all away. i wanna be in a tropical island, enjoying the breeze on the sand.

i lie awake...
broken.

no one ever, cares, how i feel.

i lie awake...
broken.

can i go back to the books now? knowledge is what we can carry forever and they never let us down unlike other things. they were everything for me in school; i could still have those brainy days back if i wanted to. as pathetic as that could sound, at least 1 thing in my life is good.

pathetic is me.i am convinced now.

classics 27.1.08

japanese composer hirano yoshihisa is an amazing person. since listening to his work from ouran high school host club's soundtracks, i haven't got sick of rewinding the songs since the past few days for the several hundred times. they are like the new modern classical music, the songs used in the anime for all those dances in the rich school for waltz and all the grand events by the host club. listening to the tracks, full, all over again, i am feeling the rhythm within my soul. this is what you call music. music isn't just alternative rock for me, as that's mainly my favourite, and i usually don't go for music that's too slow. but i'm not limited to just that, it depends on the songs themselves. this one, it isn't slow, it's happy, it gives me the mood to do things, make me forget my problems. without any voices singing, that's what makes the songs sound peaceful for me... it's the musical instruments themselves being played that were singing, for me anyway. one song alone consists of many combinations of musical instruments that all needed to be played at the right time, needed the right tune etc, not that i'm good at explaining that, what i'm saying is that, it should be hard to make just one song to sound good, alone. let alone, there are like about 20 songs for ouran. my personal favourites:

Sinfonietta C-dur
Theme for the cute one for orchestra
Ouran Cocerto for oboe, 2 horns, violin and string
Sakura Kiss for string
Tranquillezza for string
Music for the Music Salon No.3 for trumpet and orchestra


classical music has its harmony with its symphony, i could consider it as a favourite music category except i dunno anything much about it. it could be boring for some, it's amazing for me. music = it's endless.

heart to arau 25.1.08

back in arau, i always stay under the same roof with my two aunts, mak cak and cik, who are both my mom's eldest siblings. feels like going there somehow now that i don't have much to do here at home. screw the laptop (wow, can you really do that?). being there, as i've mentioned before, nights never end. chats go on forever, especially when cik talks. she's like in her 60-70s now, she could easily make anyone laugh and she's been doing that since i was like, 5. she used to stay in seremban here in my house and take care of me and my schooling and stuff until i was in standard 2, then she got kind of old and tired to take care of all of us (4 siblings!), she returned to perlis. after that i cried a lot at home, missed her so much.

last time i saw her was at my sister's wedding kenduri at sungai petani, where like the whole arau and kuala pilah crowd was there and whew it was damn hot again! for this one, i just took my old purple kebaya that i last wore in 2005 - dis one, can really restrict my movement, but douH, just go on with it. why the fuss? it would all be over with soon. but cik was like woah when she saw me, i didnt remember what she talked about tho, lol. but one thing i remember was that she was saying how 2 sisters of mine already got married now and 2 more to go. she was saying she may be able to see kak zahi (the sis after me) get married, but maybe she won't be able to live long enough to see me on my wedding day.

i kept silent at that, it saddened me. i know how she's getting older by the day. stil she's one of the best cooks in the world alongside my mum and their siblings + my dad + my family. stil she's one of the funniest, most talkative, most generous people i've ever known, and much more to it. out of many other relatives of my parents', she's i'm most close with.

stil i can't tell what's to happen in the future for her or even for myself. wallahualam... to even say that i'll die sooner is stil possible, no one knows... it's a sensitive issue. we r to fear death- it wil hurt.

to be in arau though... its windy there. mom said there used to be a sawah padi in front of my aunts' house... but the land was sold to build a water logy. there used to be a chinese shop across the street from the house where i used to buy some keropok for fun snack, but it was dirobohkan - which we all were in seremban - it was so sad! no more shops to depend on. it could've been so easy to get snacks from. but that was years ago, when i was a kid. then again it had always been easy to eat there. my relatives are always making something and they're all great at cooking. once done with it, they pass some to other houses, which aren't far in walking distances. it's kampung, after all. outside my aunts' house, there's a buaian that was hanging on to a tree, which is always the place to hang out, be it for kids or adults. yeah and there are some other seats there and a pondok near the buaian. the buaian has existed there for years already. on the ground there are always many branches of wood, and i used to love picking up these stuff when i was a kid. and i'd give them to cik, i think, to be burnt for purpose of cooking something outside the house as the branches burn fast. so i liked it, to be doing a good deed. near the buaian and all, there used to be a big kandang, or reban or whatever, there were both - in a kandang there was a reban ayam. i used to go into the kandang that was fenced up and chase around the chickens that were running around in there. cik would sometimes scold me, saying they'd get angry and patuk me. being a kid back then, i didnt think i listened. what happened to them? eventually the chickens all died, now the kandang is all empty. it used to be fun, though, remembering back. hehehe...

that chicken talk reminded me that i used to have some geese, in my house. well not in, around my house. like my dad took care of them, there were several of them. in the end, some of them got missing - stolen, most probably. even i saw them got taken away, being sorta shooed away by a woman down the hill (my house's on the hill) with the thought that she probably was going to return the "missing" geese to us, but they didn't get return. She probably took them instead. The geese were noisy, though. I was too small at the moment, 7, 8?

ok, this has become a domestic animal talk already. the only animal i have now in my house would be cats, 3 cats in exact, that'd be 2 if to discount "Cit" who has not been around the house much lately. she only comes home once in a while. "Qot" and "KoKo" only are the ones staying home, both too, females. all males apparently gone with the wind, probably following their girlfriends away O_o hehe.

i haven't been to arau for a long while. i hope i can go there...

tech ban = revised! 24.1.08

sigh~

remember the tech ban? dunno if it's really working, i kinda wish i'd go to monash, like, NOW. somebody hide this laptop from me. take its battery and charger and don't tell me. it really is part of me.

before i got better from the migraine which caused me to stay at KPJ hospital for 3 days last week, i managed to stay off from the laptop for a while. had no mood for whatever it was i used to love to do with comps before. when the pain is overwhelming in the head, the effect goes through the entire body, and this lasted for days. i think i fully recovered on tuesday, of which the day before i gotta go to kl to do some monash things. damn it's still stuck like that. i asked dad to send me there to ease things off for me since i was still not that fully recovered to go off on my own on public transport. i really wanted to settle it off. yet it's still like that. i have to go there, again, soon. damn they're delaying me.

until today i still get the naggings from everyone about me constantly looking at the computer and not taking care of my sleep & food habits which they all believed were the cause of the migraine. man, no one knew what the heck it was in the first place. the clinic first thought it was just the low blood pressure. just? still, not good. the head felt like it could blow up. i'd rather study the whole book of biology by Campbell than have that headache that was more right-sided, not to mention the vomit. painkillers didnt work much, CT scan revealed nothing, they even checked my brainwaves to see if it's normal. whew, i never thought i'd do a CT scan, with myself doing a report about it before in ausmat. 3 days felt long, groggy, full of hunger but of no appetite.

when i was back home, i was never more than glad to be out of the hospital. any place but the hospital, even though the tv was right in front of me (watching it gives me more headache anyway). back in my room, my laptop was gone, i thought, hm, i was banned from my laptop by my parents already, for sure. i wasn't in the mood for it anyway, i just wanna rest. so i did... and it felt good for a few days, though, never really had much to do.

i decided to ban myself from my comp. recently i've been turning it on more often tho. when did i start looking around the net again? these days it's become a daily thing again. is it bad...? come to think of it, my sister once said, "takpe kalau pakai komputer lame... tapi adik tu cara dia pakai tu tak betul, position dia depan laptop tu dekat sangat, duduk depan laptop tu lame sangat". eh? sorta. ok.. change it a bit. if i don't stare at the comp, don't be around the comp but stil keep it turned on, stil alright, then. i won't let the old ways repeat itself (like ignore SLEEP just because i love my COMP GAME more), seriously, the way the head hurt... dont want that to happen again.

so i cant really ban it, it's part of me. but i cant overdo it or anything, gotta take care of myself too. or else i'll end up troubling other people too if i fall sick again, not to mention to say how unbearable it felt like to be the one feeling the pain. no one else's fault, mine alone. ahah... do kick my ass if you see me play too much games or so eh wandie.. or to whoever it concerns in the future..~ LOL =D