freedom 28.3.09

"Bangang. Bagi la signal."

Oh, I remember the above quite well. Somehow I kinda miss it these days. They are words of my dad, my abah. Such words are often what I hear when I am in his car, in the passenger's seat, and he is the driver, getting mad at another driver's silly act of driving. Yeah, it's understandable sometimes. But it is also funny everytime I think about it and everytime it happens in action. I won't be hearing those for a while, it doesn't seem like I will be going back home for now. But I do think of them at home.

Oh, yeah, I have been meaning to tell. Something to do with the title of this post which was just what came into my head and so I just put it there, it doesn't describe the whole post's context though. Freedom Writers. Have anyone heard of this story? It's a movie of 2007 starring Hilary Swank. Just that I happen to be eating with Anis at Hasra one afternoon and I watched this a bit from the beginning till about 20 minutes later (had to leave to Monash) and I just knew I had to get it somewhere, as in download. And I liked it. Yeah, writing is a good way to learn to express your feelings. Hilary, a teacher assigned to her classroom of students who had been living with social and gang problems their entire life, decided to give them journals as a way for them to express what they felt, whatever they wanted to say, in the journals, writing once everyday. It was inspired by Erin Gruwell's story who, along with her students, gathered all their journal writings and published them into a book which was published back in 1999. Sure, I never lived in such a society (although Malaysia is already unsafe everywhere we live) - but it sure gets to my thoughts too. Writing probably won't solve your problems, but it sure makes me feel better.

and so we met 19.3.09

Diorang tak paham dowh.

I am inserting quotes in every post from now on, be it they are from my friends, just people I only know or even those I don't know or whoever they are.

Regarding the above, it was a person I know saying to me about others not understanding what we are both going through. Yeah, not everyone can understand what we feel. For me, I met a person I never thought I would meet. A person who thought I would understand better than most others. It seems, God has let us met on a special reason for our own condition that few others would understand.

It seems like a NANA story where two people that seem different meet and suddenly they share some bond together. Sort of like it, it seems like I met this person who lives in a different lifestyle than mine. Only after a while I found something, one important thing in common between us. It was our mental state of anxieties, although in different situations.

What the person is currently facing is almost exactly the same like what I went through 2 years ago when I thought I was going through my period of depression. I cannot cure anything for the person, as this is only something that the individual can solve just like my own problem, only to be around whenever I could so the person would not feel alone. It reminded me why I couldn't forget my year of 2007. In my case, I don't even remember how long it lasted. I only prayed that God would help me. I would feel empty and sad without any particular reason and breakdown. And I realise it that someone was there to help me go through that moment when I thought nobody else could understand the empty feeling. Maybe that is why it was hard to forget.

It's rare, such conditions like us, but apparently it is real. It is one of the things that make me a complicated person, and the other person too admitted it, we are complicated. Look down on us because of this? - a thought we often think about when we think about what other people may think about us, but we would always try to combat it. We find it hard to really talk to others of what we truly feel as we do not think they will understand us; we are stuck in our own world before we even try. As what I have heard a person with schizophrenia saying to me once before, a psychiatric unit at the hospital is the place where you meet people who look normal, but they are actually ill, indeed.

alone 28.2.09

Is it really bad to be alone? I don't think so.

But then, these days I keep hearing such questions. Sorang je ke?

A normal person would not feel anything and could think of it in a more jokingly way. I am, however, a weird person. The world and such questions, are making me feel guilty just because I was sitting somewhere, alone. Even though I probably don't need to feel bad about it. I am slowly getting upset at a friend, quietly, because she has been asking such a question often, whether at me or whenever she sees someone she recognises being alone.

Heck, what is wrong with being alone? Stop asking these questions. Isn't it stupid?

all in one 23.2.09

3.44 pm at Monash University, and outside it looks like it would rain heavily. I am now going to write things, jumbled-up and in summary in one paragraph, of basic stuff that's happening.

I have read latest chapter 230 of Reborn, the story of the Vongola family that uses rings and boxes with characteristic flames to fight. I am beginning to read D.Gray-Man. I met my junior Ausmat 17 students yesterday, who just started their orientation week today. Reminds me - amazes me, that it has actually been a year that I have been here. The number of people together of us here have decreased quite significantly, in a sudden. I am currently having money crisis. I really sigh and snort at the mentioning of MARA, knowing them so well. I have downloaded what I could get from MUSO Blackboard from Monash for the new semester coming up ahead, boy, this is really a lot of stuff to study compared to last year. Great to hear that MISC students are going to finally get their chance to fly, heh, it'd be a like slapping their faces as if asking themselves if it was really happening after all this time thinking they would not be going to Australia. I'd be jumping off with a parashoot in disbelieve from an airplane if that kind of thing happens to me, as MARA would never do that kind of surpises - like, are you kidding me? Therefore let's just try another scholarship next time around. And I just want to set a goal for myself to do my masters in Japan even if I will not fly and study in Australia now. Hasn't it always been my dream to go there?

It just started to rain. I don't really believe I am actually starting my second year. I am not in much mood for it, somehow. There's much too less.