mentalness 15.3.10

Are you mentally retarded or something?

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that to anyone. But it definitely comes out a lot out there. I really dislike it when I hear something like that. The people who say such things and alike, are what I call ignorant people. And I can't even blame them for it because they just don't know much about the field of mental health. Mental illness does not equate to being literally crazy. Maybe it's a problem, since I do not know how else to put it, go ask a psychiatrist. Seeing a psychiatrist too doesn't mean you're really off. There's just another whole different story to it.

Just a thought. Ah, the recent posts, are all 'crazy' stuff? =.= Thank God I am still sane after all this while.

digilakan 21.1.10

Aku rasa bagaikan aku akan digilakan. CRAZYNIFIED. Dalam diriku aku banyak berfikir. Di luar skop yang normal. Mungkin berlainan dari tanggapan orang lain di kelilingku tapi aku pun tidak tahu adakah tanggapanku benar, yang kufikirkan tak salah, walaupun bukan kumaksudkan tanggapan mereka salah. Dan aku tak tahu bagaimana nak mengatasinya. Satu-satunya cara adalah memohon kepada-Nya. Hanya Dia yang memahami apa yang berada di dalam benak fikiranku, dan hanya Dia yang tahu kebenarannya. Di dalam dunia yang semakin tidak pasti ini, aku sudah semakin keliru. Permudahkanlah keadaan ini untukku, dan tenangkanlah aku.

to talk or not to talk 9.1.10

I kinda wonder why the need to talk is such an important matter. I kinda passed that thinking now, to stop the 'why' thought from running through the mind all the time.

I found my old PLKN notebook. Ah, it's still around, you're now 4 years old then! We would carry this with us every time it was class time, that usually being in the morning. If there's some talk later in the evening, it's up to you to bring it or not.

i watch her, she talks

she amazes me, i wanna speak like her

i watch her, she moves

she's so enthusiastic, i wanna be like her

i am still me, always will be

That I found on the first page. Forgot that I ever wrote that, but I knew what it meant. Back then I had a friend who was always with me throughout the entire PLKN period, Farrah. I don't remember how it ended up she became my friend, we were in the same dorm. I was like a lost loner on the first day. But I had always wondered; she is really talkative, anything you say to her she'd always something to say back, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's the bad kind of loud nagging person or whatever you say, not that, it's just that she is friendly and talks well. In the end she was 1 of the 3 candidates for the parliamentary seat in our camp. Em, leave it at that, I hate politics. So I wondered why is such a person interested in always being around a quiet person like me back then. Ah I know, because opposites attract, what they say will then be heard from the quiet one well. People like it when others listen to them, and get mad when they don't as if they are ignored. But still, I would always feel like even if I keep listening, they will get bored of me soon enough and leave. That has always happened.  But she had stayed with me. And with that, I guess that was why I had other friends too that made us back then, as I saw it, a seven-member group. Because I had a friendly companion, others befriended me as well. In any case I still appreciated knowing them and going through every occasion in the camp with them - it was a whole load of fun.

I like not saying much sometimes, other times I have a lot on my mind to spill. But I kinda hate it when people ask, "are you always this quiet?". Ah, kadang-kadang cakap salah, tak cakap pun salah. Thinking of the bad impression I may leave by saying anything had just made me not say anything at all even though I wanted to say it. Till this day it has become regrettable that I can't speak as much as I hoped to because of the weirdest fear. It has been eating me up, also making me wonder why people generally do not like to befriend quiet people. I know there's a general reason though, it only makes sense but sometimes it's just unfair. If a person stays quiet, people stay away. When that person does talk, suddenly people have this weird "Oh she just talked!" look on their face. That makes it even more awkward. Yeah, some people may like being quiet, nothing wrong with that as it is already comfortable for them. But sometimes some others don't, they hate not being able to speak for some reasons, but they have just been used to it, and also partly because afraid of rejection by the  society. When they stayed quiet, they had no real friends. At the end of the day, they are alone. Even if it looks good, all smiley and calm - even as I sat down in a crowd, I could feel alone.

I am telling you - if you don't like something about yourself, you are the only one who could change it for yourself, I hear my twin said to me.

a good and bad rambling 4.1.10

Hello 2010. How is it going so far?

I haven't been posting much since I didn't think there is anything good or interesting to share. I did realize the too many ramblings I have, some good some bad, and there I see there are quite a lot of bad that I keep repeating. Why repeat the same negative rambling? Oh well it's fine sometimes but I think I have doing too much of it. Ah, I am probably doing it right now.

I just thought we ought to try to cut out on the negativity that surrounds us and happens to us sometimes, and focus on the good stuff that happens. Like how Jason Mraz is pulling on his blog. I wouldn't agree with everything, but out of everything you see or hear or read, you can think for yourself whether it's really good or bad. I don't praise GLBT as I know it's wrong. But if I ever met a person who is in the group, it doesn't mean I should say "you suck" or stuff like that just because they are in the wrong way. Islam sure doesn't teach you to curse someone else when they are doing something wrong. You should try to show them the way, the rest depends on them.

There when you do set your focus on the bad stuff, you might think that there is little thing left to say. Is there so much badness in the society today? Apparently so. It hurts to see, of course it's worse to think about it. Take the bad, make the good out of it. Better. So we won't really have that little stuff to say after all. But when all a person does is complain, now that is annoying. You see that everywhere.

Take the annoyance and make good out of it. Still trying to do that. I am no perfect person, and always appreciates it if someone would correct me if I did or said something wrong.