Sleepy 21.2.13

I asked myself a question.

  

I: You are already really sleepy eh?

Myself: Probably.

I: Then what the heck are you doing?

Myself: I have things to do. It didn't feel right to sleep yet. Although sleep is still very precious - something you hardly treasured until your real working life begins.

I: How weird.

Myself: I am.

And I agreed.  This is a good feeling somehow. And tomorrow we will complain about how sleepy we feel.

the while 14.8.09

Been exactly 6 months since I last saw him in person.
Nothing will always be perfect and all right...
but I hope he's doing fine.
While...
I will be smiling, far far away.

pencarian 28.9.08

Aku hidup dalam pencarian.

Kini aku berada di Kulim, di rumah kakakku dan menggunakan internet di sini buat pertama kalinya dengan celcom broadband. Di sini, salah satu perkara unik yang akan dihadapi hampir tiap kali aku melawat keluarga kakakku yang tinggal di rumah ini ialah keadaan tiap kali anak saudara lelaki aku dimarahi oleh ibunya dan merajuk. Bukan apa, ia kelakar; cakap orang tak mahu didengar, maka dia dimarahi dan akhirnya dia akan menangis, menjerit dengan kuat dan menghentak-hentak kaki tanpa mahu disentuh sesiapa. Kau akan tahu yang keadaan sudah kembali reda bila volume suaranya yang awal-awal kuat tadi makin perlahan dan dia akan buat hal lagi. Itulah selalunya keadaan di sini. Bayangkan keadaan kau begitu semasa kecil dulu masa berumur 3 - 4 tahun.

Jadi, aku akan pergi ke Arau, Perlis pula selepas ini. Di sana keadaannya lebih menarik, bertemu keluarga belah mak yang banyak telatah kelakar. Kebanyakan mereka juga sudah lanjut usia, yalah, mak pun bongsu dari 7 adik-beradik. Aku yang paling lama tak balik ke sana berbanding dengan orang lain dalam keluargaku sekarang, memandangkan aku ini "selalu sibuk". Ugh.

Tapi apa pun aku tetap gembira tiap kali balik ke sana. Adik-beradik mak ialah tukang masak terhandal sekali yang aku tahu seumur hidupku. Walaupun aku lah yang paling diam tiap kali berada dengan saudara mara, dan tidak seaktif yang lain, dan tak banyak nak membuat apa-apa kerana tak tahu melainkan diajar dan disuruh (takut buat salah), aku tetap suka berada di kampung ini. Buat suatu masa, aku akan berasa suka hati dan lupa segala perkara yang membelenggukan kepala otakku ini bila berada dengan mereka ramai-ramai. Kekosongan tetap dirasai kadang kala, mungkin sekali itu memang keadaan hidupku. Jika tiada kekosongan itu, aku mungkin selalu dan lebih banyak lagi bersuara dalam hidupku. Tidaklah aku kadang-kadang termenung tanpa sebab yang nyata. Dan aku juga mungkin mempunyai lebih banyak rakan. Dan sesiapa yang teman serumah denganku tidaklah pula berasa bosan mempunyai roommate seperti aku ni. Terbukti, sejak aku masih sekolah berasrama, aku memang jenis tak berapa rapat dengan rakan sebilik/serumah. Lebih kuranglah, kecuali di plkn sahaja. Di luar rumah, mungkin aku lebih aktif dengan orang lain. Lebih kurang di rumah di Seremban, aku bagaikan terlalu pasif. Di situ, sering handphone aku tinggalkan terabai, hinggakan habis bateri atau habis kredit pun tidak selalu ku kisah. Tunggulah bermulanya semula kelas (jika cuti duduk di rumah), baru hendak kisah apa yang berlaku dengannya. Maka boleh expect aku tidak reply jika sesiapa yang menghantar mesej. Aku rasa handphone itu memanglah penting untuk berhubung, tapi bagi aku tak payahlah hendak cari yang canggih sangat. Sebab aku tahu aku hanya akan excited dengan segala functions yang ada mula-mula sahaja, lepas itu, selalunya aku akan jarang gunakannya.

Jadi?

Aku masih mencari sesuatu. Aku tak begitu pasti apakah ia. Walaupun aku seharusnya bersyukur dengan apa yang sudah ada. Di dalam sifatku yang terlalu diam berada di rumah dan saudara, aku masih diterima. Walaupun aku tetap berasa kadangkala aku diketepikan, bagaikan aku hanya memainkan satu peranan yang kecil sahaja dalam keluargaku berbanding yang lain. Mungkin aku sendiri tidak berusaha untuk menjadi lebih berperanan.

Aku kira aku suka menolong orang. Cuma tak pula suka-suka mengoffernya kerana agak segan T_T. Untuk itu, dalam sesetengah perkara, aku dianggap terlalu baik. Tapi aku gemar pula bergurau dan membuat banyak belok kanan & kiri sebelum mahu menawarkan bantuan - mungkin aku mahu menentukan jika seseorang itu mahu menerima bantuan aku atau tidak. Mengapa mahu selalu tolong orang sebenarnya? Mungkin itu caranya aku menyumbat kekosongan aku, bagi akulah. Jadi adakah ia sesuatu yang tak patut, bagaikan Nakahara Misaki dalam Welcome to N.H.K.? Tapi bukan setiap perkara akan aku tolong. Aku mencari sesuatu yang unik dalam setiap pertolongan yang aku berikan, tidak bermakna aku mengharapkan balasan. Dari sesuatu yang aku mungkin dapat dari itu, ia memberi aku kepuasan, kegembiraan. Dan seboleh-bolehnya aku mengelak mengatakan apa-apa atau merungut dalam memberi pertolongan itu walaupun ia sukar. Tapi aku manusia, tak dapatlah menjadi begitu sempurna. Teringatkan lagu Sempurna: bagaikan tidak suka lagu itu untuk liriknya, tapi menyukainya untuk musiknya sahaja kerana gitarnya. Tiada apa yang sempurna zaman kini selain Tuhan sendiri, dan bagiku mengatakan seseorang itu sempurna adalah mengarut walaupun itu hanya lagu untuk seorang kekasih. Haha, memang aku sendiri rasa pelik dengan pendapatku ini. Lagu Kamek Sayang Kitak itu sendiri lagi bagus.

Aku juga berharap dapat berkongsi apa-apa dalam hidupku ini yang dapat menggembirakan seseorang kerana dengan berbuat itu sendiri aku akan gembira. Walau sekecil mana pun perkara itu asalkan dapat memberikannya kegembiraan walaupun sementara. Walaupun aku tak dapat define dengan pasti apakah itu kegembiraan itu sendiri dalam hidupku, bagiku. There is no such thing as eternal happiness for me, unless when you go to heaven, someday. Selepas tiap kegembiraan akan ada suatu masa yang membuatkan kita down. Jadi, walaupun dapat memberi kegembiraan walaupun sekejap kepadanya, aku sudah sedia gembira, walaupun aku tahu ia tidak berkekalan. Dan walaupun pada masa down, aku tetap akan bersamanya jika diperlukan dan tidak mengganggunya jika diminta, aku faham akan masa yang diperlukan untuk berseorangan. Pergilah buat benda lain buat sementara. Dan bila tiba masanya aku harap dapat membuatnya ketawa lagi, kegembiraannya saja sudah cukup. Walaupun aku mungkin tidak akan dapat menyelesaikan masalah sesiapa dengan hanya berada dalam hidup mereka, aku harap aku akan tetap dapat membawa suatu perubahan yang lebih baik walau sekecil mana pun. Aku mencari, untuk aku berikan kegembiraan walaupun untuk 2 saat (and hence) dapat membuatkan aku gembira juga. Skil yang aku suka mengenai seseorang hanyalah secara utamanya, able to talk and listen to others. Walaupun yang aku kira selama ini, orang yang aku suka ialah orang yang senget semuanya. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing, though. Aku sendiri senget orangnya, cuma tak diketahui saja. Itulah yang unik mengenainya. Aku boleh membuat kesimpulan di sini bahawa aku suka orang yang senget, not literally.

Dan dalam waktu down yang sering melanda ni, musik lah antara sahabat terbaik. Genre utama kegemaran aku ialah rock, dan itu pun bergantung juga. Aku lebih kepada alternative rock atau adult alternative. Sesuatu yang rancak, lively dan memberi inspirasi atau semangat. Tapi certain rock yang agak berat aku tak suka seperti Korn atau Limp Bizkit, walaupun aku suka juga Muse (beratkah?). Dan aku tidak gemar hip-hop sekarang atau R&B atau sama adik-beradik dengannya, kecuali sesetengah lagu sahaja. Aku dengar semula lagu-lagu klasik zaman dahulu... bukanlah begitu lama, sebenarnya. Zaman lagu 90'an adalah yang terbaik, bagi akulah terutama untuk Malaysia. Dari KRU ke Ukay's ke Umbrella ke BSB ke Aerosmith ke Bryan Adams ke Richard Marx, kebanyakannya aku suka, tak kiralah kapak, gergaji atau pop. Zaman sekarang ini aku jarang pula dengar radio, tetap ada yang best, cuma sumber musik aku ialah internet - google, top charts, limewire, torrents etc. Tak pun lagu-lagu instrumental atau orchestra seperti soundtrack dari anime atau drama Jepun.

Heh, dan aku sangat suka lagu old school Janji Tinggal Janji ini.

----------------
Now playing: KRU - Janji Tinggal Janji
via FoxyTunes

of you and me 23.8.08

Time could change a lot of things for us.
In the past 2 years alone, I have dealt with more things I never thought I would've gone through in my previous years of living.
Nothing in my course of life had ever taught me so much.
All the joy that I got being with him.
All the troubles and misunderstandings between us.
Time too, is putting us farther apart.
I probably know where it went wrong, I probably don't.
Although I keep trying
even if it doesn't get me anywhere
I think I will be fine.
Whether they were good or bad stuff
I don't think I'll be able to erase it from my memories
all my life.
Apart from the ridiculous things I've done
there are no regrets of whatever happened between us.
No regrets in knowing him.
Even if things go forgotten
I will never ever forget him.
Not a chance.

the way 6.6.08

i had to disagree, somehow.

living around with her, i feel like i am living with the me that was before. in a way, i do not blame her in what she is doing, as she is doing it for herself, her own future, her own life. it does not seem wrong, in fact it's a noble thing. but then there are days when i am not sure if i could live with it; things, certain things, do have limits. some things she did, i fail to like or agree with. working hard is good, but this is an incorrect way of doing it.

but i could imagine it in my head now. the way i was.

sitting at my place, there i was. in my room of 4 people, i thought mrsm life here wouldn't be so bad. those other girls seem quite nice. but i didn't know why. i spent the entire first day here at this school, keeping quiet. as me and others exchanged names, i thought i now had friends here. this was what i wanted. i needed a change.

but then i failed. i failed to talk. instead i gave creepy glances. as i feared people. the more i fear, the more strangely i act around them. i noticed, the more they stayed away from me. and so i found that i did not have friends. good grades or not. T_T

haven't i tried enough? am i dumb? why didn't anyone wanna be around me? am i hated? am i actually being bullied? teased?

i decided, fine. i could live on my own. one can never really depend on other people other than themselves. so i depend on no one - i only had myself.

i stood by these words. "no one could ever be my best friend other than myself."

it sounded absurd, arrogant, even worthless and oblivious even, etc etc. but i felt like i had no other choice. this was what the situation around me was forcing me to be. they were ignoring me. they didn't care about me.

then i too, needed nobody. i could succeed on my own. that would be the only thing i would chase for - i was smart, and i could succeed fine on my own two feet.

this, i would term as self-ego. ignorance.

since i knew deep inside life was never happy. i could be smiling to them yet i was feeling empty inside. i could be looking at them laughing from far, i could have joined them but i turned away; i said to myself, i was fine and my own, i needed no one.

living off the years that thought had changed. much had happened, and no, no matter how hardworking or smart you are, if you keep living on your own and you fail to respect others, it all comes to no use.

and here, i am living my daily life with someone that i saw was me before. someone who seems to pretend she's fine living by herself, working as hard as she could but?
it was like a mirror image of me, thought different in some ways; what i pretended to be: a quiet, smiling, hardworking, nice, matured and helpful, who never went out to the real world out there to find out about life. i feared it instead, and went on with the life that i knew it even if it was dull. i was waiting for something in my life to give a way out of the dullness, but when it came, i didn't see it but i pushed it away, fearing of something you thought you knew about, but there were still other things you were yet to find out regarding it.

these days, i would rather try to live my life as honestly as i could, even if i will still have flaws in doing so, i'll keep trying. for my own life, in a better way.

i fear it, if other people became what i was; i know, somewhere within, there could be a reasoning. but also somewhere within, there should be a way; a way to correct the incorrect. but i believe everything has a reason. and Allah will always show the way, even if it takes time. and i do hope, she, or anyone else similarly, would find that other meaning of life.

but, who can really define what life is?

who are you? 10.4.08

I was not getting any message from Sya. The time was already leaving me behind; I guess I had to leave already then. It was about 20 minutes till my next class and I still had not gone out yet to start walking class. It usually would take me 15 minutes, at least, to get to Monash.

I walked out as usual. The day had a nice feeling to it, somehow, walking pass Sunway University College with my purple bag on my back. I was trying to walk as fast as I could. From behind me, I could hear some footsteps approaching, quite fast.

A guy appeared to my left.

“Monash eh?”

That seemed sudden. Those were the footsteps I was hearing, and there he suddenly spoke up to me. Sort of curly hair, casual clothes and a bag hanging on his right shoulder. I looked at him, my usual blurred face, and said, “A’ah.”

He nodded as he looked to the front. “Berapa lama dah study kat Monash?”

Digging up on a conversation, this guy, I see. That was interesting, though. Not the typical moronic male voices yelling out from the workshop near the traffic light up ahead, where the guys seemed to love to disturb girls who passed by everyday.

“Baru first sem,” I answered, with my usual sort-of-smiling face, trying to be friendly. Not pretending to be, but trying to be, even if I did not look like it; that was so typical of me.

“Oh, sama la,” he responded. “Duduk apartment ke?”

It seemed weird there, as he might have come out of the apartment area himself, so maybe he knew that already. “A’ah…”

“Blok mana? Aku blok B. Nampak gak tadi bila jalan keluar.”

“Blok C. Blok depan skali tuh.”

As he seemed to think to himself for a moment, I looked at him. He was nodding to what I said, as if only realising where Block C was. He was still walking to my left, me on the road while he was on the grass; quite an approachable guy to talk to if I ever knew him, if he was not the one approaching me first.

“Kat Monash ni, sponsor ke?”

“Yup… under MARA.”

Some words he said I was unsure of, it came out not too clear to me but I came out too shy to ask again. Maybe he said he was under the same sponsorship as well. Quite many questions for someone I did not know or never saw before. Not those typical bothersome boys who would flirt with girls in that annoying way, though. This had a good feeling to it, like a peaceful conversation with a new acquaintance at Monash before 9 am on a goody Tuesday morning, so this seemed really harmless.

“Sebelum masuk Monash, buat apa dulu?”

Saying AUSMAT somehow did not seem complete, in my thoughts, some people may not know what it really stands for. “Australian… Matriculation.”

“Oh, buat AUSMAT la ni?” he said, seemed familiar with it, though.

“A’ah…” I smiled, nodding my head. “Buat AUSMAT, tak lepas… MARA hantar sambung sini, buat twinning.”

He chuckled a bit. “Sama la… aku dulu buat A-level kat Taylor’s, tak lepas jugak. Kau buat course apa?”

“Biotech.” I was going to ask him the same question, but wondering whether I was going to call him by kau, awak or anything else like anda (my typical weird sense). I could not recall saying awak to any guys before this in my life, it did not seem to suit me even for someone I just knew. I am really no I-you person either, seriously. But to call him by kau might seem drastic, like he was already my close friend that I had known for a while when I just met him, would it seem polite? Too much thinking about such simple things making it complicated, it did not end up coming out of my mouth.

“Oh. Aku engineering. Jap lagi dah nak ada lecture kul 9 ni.”

Em, the other me was telling me at that moment, I didn’t even ask, you told me. Silly, he was just trying to make a conversation here with me – do not be so timid or anything. But then, engineering? It seems interesting, somehow. He did look like an engineering student-person, like how you can tell back then for Ausmat18.

“Oh yeke… err, aku pulak ada tutorial jap lagi.”

“Berapa jam?”

“Err, sejam je.” I looked at him while talking. “Chemistry.”

“Owh, ok ek. Kalau kitorang, tutorial lebih sejam.”

“Oh, yeh?” I inquired, lost at what to say more, just chuckling on my own. “Kesian gak, heh…” I muttered. I suddenly had a very good feeling inside. I was imagining weird things in my head. It kinda reminded me of eating lunch at a stall near RSB the other day, probably Sunday, when suddenly the woman at the stall came up to my table and gave me a piece of paper. A man named Nizam gave me his phone number, written on the paper. No, not that Nizam in my Agama class. Sya and Juan were surprised; somehow I was thinking inside, this has got to be for one of them both, not me; you have got the wrong person!

“Ada laki ni bagi nombor kat adik. Nak terima, terimalah, akak cuma jalankan tanggungjawab je,” the woman told me. I stared hard at the paper. Mimpi lagikah aku?

And here suddenly some guy I did not know came up and talked to me, and I had no idea who he was, what his name is or whatever else about him. Suddenly I wanted to know his name.

He turned behind him and stopped to talk to a Chinese girl walking behind us. At that, I just continued walking. He was still walking near me, and still talked to me after that.

“Itu classmate,” he said to me. “Sama kuliah la, I mean.”

Me and my usual smile; I said, “Oh… then korang lecture yang sama la ni kul 9 ni?”

“A’ah, ye lah.”

The girl said something to him and he was once again stopped from talking to me. We were then about to cross the busy road to Monash opposite of us. Realising he continued talking to her, I kept moving on without turning back. Something felt weird somehow, in me.

Getting across the road, the two of them were still talking. Suddenly I realised that Rahman was walking right next to me, from where he came from I had no clue; was I walking too slowly? He lives in the apartment as well. He just laughed when I realised it was him to my right.

“Kau lagi ke, terkejut aku.” I laughed. We were approaching building 2.

“Kau kelas kul berapa?” Rahman asked, smiling.

“Sembilan la.” I smiled.

I was probably on time, or even earlier than usual. Rahman and I went separate ways, and soon after I looked at the guy who talked to me earlier going to Auditorium 1 with his lecture-mate. And me, I walked farther away to my class in building 6. Maybe that would be my last time seeing him. Last chance now, if I ever wanted to know his name or anything else, that was the last moment. After this, maybe, I would not see him again.

Strange, when I never even knew him, suddenly I cared whether I would see him again. There was something interesting about him; the fact that he came up to talk to me that way. Walking away, I realised I still did not know his name or who he really was. Darn, did I spoil a chance by talking too little, maybe?

From then on, I wanted to see him again, somehow. It had been a while, I don’t know if I ever will. And I had not felt that way for the longest time already now. Who is he? Will I ever meet him again?

kokoro 15.3.08

I've kept this as a draft for a few weeks, wondering why it's still there, if it's completed yet...

In the first episode of Hana Yori Dango season 2, within about 2 minutes from 1:31:00 to 1:33:00, Makino Tsukushi said these words to Domyouji Tsukasa's older sister while in tears, "I really… really… really… love Domyouji. I'm always, always thinking about him. I've tried hard to imagine it but I can't imagine living in a world without him. Even now, I still… wanna be with him again. I want to be with him. Even when I tried to give up, even when I tried to concentrate on other things, for some reason, I just end up thinking about him. To the extent that I've become wretched, to the extent that I hate myself, I… love him. But… I think… I'm horrible."

Those honest words of Makino never come out often from a strong girl like her, who seems capable to live her life in fine order and never let anything let her down. That was a girl-to-girl talk between her and Domyouji's sister if you ask me, of which she suddenly felt the need to tell those things to someone after trying hard to bury all her feelings to herself. To be honest, this is the part of me that is similar to Makino. Every word above, with the name of Domyouji changed, can be dedicated to a certain someone in my life - i mean every word from my heart. I may not be nearly as brave as she is, but in keeping things to ourselves sometimes and making own decisions, it seems quite similar enough. Thus Makino Tsukushi is an admirable character for myself. It's just that i always seem to fail to show it clearly enough that it somehow pin-points to the false direction - resulting in a misconception.

Obviously, i adore some japanese dramas. But few hold a special place in my heart, as i watched it, unbelievably i cried quite a number of times. It's quite surprising, but that was the fact, as it's probably because the way the story goes had a lot to do with what i felt or went through as well. This drama itself reminds me of many things going on in my own life, be it in the present or in the past. It is still quite something i can't do: to let the past go, especially since some part of the past is still within my present. According to Myers-Briggs, i have the ISFP personality type: Introverted, Sensing, Feeling and Perceiving. Sensing, as in, people of this kind, love to 'live the moment' rather than to think too much about the future. But i'd say, the moment i'm living in now is mixed up with the past, so it isn't much of the present that i am really living in at the moment, but a mix-up. So my life has got more confusing, especially lately.

So then i remembered a friend talked about his sister not wanting to get married and he was wondering why, from the perspective of a guy. Simple enough for a man to speak and question about, while the girls around began arguing against that, to support reasons of possibly why a woman wouldn't want to get married. From the perspective of a girl, i could give more than one possible reasons for that. And then it reminded me too, as a girl, that the reasons fit me as well. Because the feelings i had for him had not changed since i first realised it existed, and to imagine a life with another person seems "unattainable" - a word i've come to use often in the subject of microeconomics, for the point C where not enough resources are available in PPF. Maybe bad memories pass and get forgotten, or maybe not, but that doesn't mean in the future there won't be any hesitation to move on. Right, for this particular reason men might find women impossible to understand - sure, kumbang bukan seekor; bunga bukan sekuntum. But generally speaking, women have super-fine feelings, and they have a soft, sacred heart. Once a heart goes broken, consider it sold; or i'd say, consider it no longer there for the time being. It doesn't heal so fast, not for certain events or situations that had changed a woman's life, her heart; her soul. Without this complexity, men would not have been attracted to the opposite sex in the first place, as God has created us to function this way: inilah fitrah manusia. Certain things like this do make us wonder, it makes me wonder, it makes me curious, of why it works this way; but sometimes these things are meant to be and we do not have an answer for each and every question that came to our mind - curiosity can really kill the cat, indeed.

Sometimes my curiosity overwhelmed me so much it ended up hurting me instead, somehow. My mind's curiosity was struggling to keep itself together, and yet at the same time, my heart can be quite disagreeing with what my mind has to say. Usually it just ends up in a chaos deep inside that i just wind up getting all blurred out on what to do next, with the mind and heart both might be having different ideas on what to do or say. And so maybe this has an effect on people i mostly care about. When the heart wants to care, the mind wants to be too rational that sometimes it makes no sense at the current moment. Sometimes the mind has things smart enough to decide about but the heart is hesitating to do, feeling too sympathetic about things, with me being a Feeler, having Sensing characteristics; to be able to feel things with my senses. It goes opposite ways, at different timings, and it can be quite strange. Even for me, i know i'm not such a nice or good person. But the mind and heart wants to keep it neutral for myself, also for others. And i don't know, without realizing it, i have let those i care about down. When the heart wants to cause joy for others by making up jokes, the mind sarcastically says what i never intended to say in those jokes... etc. As i once imagined a world of me and a close guy friend seven years older than me living in a world of our own, we argued way often. The arguments were caused by nothing serious but they did turn serious. But it was a close friendship that was based on a principle: no argument, no fun. So unintended jokes turned into arguments but they were just for the sake of adding happiness and life into the friendship itself, or everyday is going to be another same day. An argument can really turn bad, into a real one and no more fun in it, but that would be another part of the story. I was used to imagining this, i took it out on the real world itself, maybe, that i never realised if i ever ended up having a serious argument with someone when i thought i was just joking. My bad, that'd be. The point here is that i never intend to cause anyone any hard feelings by anything i said, darn, it was stupid of me if that ever happened, coz i'd rather be lazy than annoying. Both my mind and heart, and added with my soul, spirit, body and anything else that goes, hate it if i ever hurt anyone's feelings. Unless, if you deserve to be hurt back since you never care about anyone else, but so far, i've only met one person who is like this, and this is a she - an ex-classmate of last year. Allah has the best punishment for her, and, i think she already got it, this year. That is, why it's important to take care of your heart... don't get it dirty by always criticising others. That classmate of mine has been doing that the entire year, and i've been way sick of it.

Talking about the heart can be tiring. I know it always ends up hurting my feelings by the end of the day, i don't know if i really get anything, nothing's changed. But i feel that i have to post this somehow, with this already being kept as draft since the past few weeks, i'll just post it up right away already with some more alterations. Even for the days after this, i will still be what i am now, same freakishly imaginative mind, same crying but happy heart as always: hopefully will be able to do much better, like the previously mentioned issue regarding unintentionally saying bad things to people.

Entry of the heart (women), a bit of the mind, and a bit of Hana Yori Dango and Makino and my feelings plus ISFP, stops then.

out of the closet - keluar almari 23.2.08

apa yang kufahami dari sini?

kali ni kurasakan mahu berbahasa melayu. dan sesungguhnya hari ini sesuatu yang aku tidak gemar telah berlaku sekali lagi. adakah kau anggap aku menyalahkan kau?

aku tidak sama sekali berniat untuk menyalahkan sesiapa. tapi nampaknya kau telah melihat situasi ini seperti aku menyalahkan kau, malah lebih teruk dari aku pernah menyalahkan kau dari sebelum ini pun. tapi bukanlah begitu. bukankah aku katakan aku mahu menebus kesalahanku yang sebelum ini? disebabkan kau tidak setuju, aku tetap berasa tidak selesa, dan rasa bersalah itu dikira takkan hilang hinggalah aku melakukan suatu tindakan. dan bagiku tindakan ini juga akan memberi manfaat kepada orang lain pada masa yang sama, namun ini bukanlah semata-mata menyalahkan sesiapa. kerana pada akhirnya, hari itu, aku berasa gembira dapat juga menyelesaikan sebahagian daripada hal-hal yang perlu diselesaikan, walaupun targetku ialah untuk selesaikan semua. aku pergi, sebab utama, untuk perasaan bersalahku ini sendiri. dan untuk meringankan beban kau, setelah aku bersalah kepada kau yang telah menunggu kami hari itu sekian lama. dan mungkin juga kerana ini perjanjian milik kau, dan bukan orang lain, pantas sekali aku membuat keputusan, jika tidak setelah fikir sepanjang malam sampai ke pagi pun entahlah aku mahu pergi atau tidak. aku begitu pasti akan tindakanku itu, aku pergi dengan rela. sama sekali aku tidak terasa terpaksa untuk pergi, tapi bagaikan terasa aktif dan bebas kerana dapat bergerak sendiri melakukan sesuatu urusan. dan aku telah tidak mempedulikan apa kata orang lain. namun mungkin aku tidak terfikirkan mereka akan memperkatakannya kepada kau. bukanlah bermaksud aku tidak langsung berasa bahawa apa yang aku lakukan itu adalah tidak patut, kerana memang aku sepatutnya tidak patut membuat sesuatu itu tanpa kebenaran orang yang berkenaan dengannya, mengetahui dengan jelas yang tindakanku akan menyebabkan kau marah sekiranya ia diketahui. jika aku sendiri pun aku pasti akan marah. dan untuk ini memang aku tahu ia adalah sesuatu yang tidak patut.

aku juga mengharapkan sesuatu. katakan saja apa yang terkubur dalam benak kau itu. bagaimana kau harapkan aku untuk faham sekiranya kau biar saja pemikiran kau terperangkap dalam diri kau tanpa menjelaskannya pada aku? aku tak mampu nak memahami setiap sudut, cuma sebahagian, lagi-lagi jika kau hanya memikirkan dan hanya melakukan tapi enggan menjelaskan kepadaku. aku tidak dapat membaca fikiran orang, aku hanya manusia biasa. kau juga begitu, dan kau juga bukanlah memahami aku sepertimana yang aku harapkan juga. kau mengatakan aku menyalahkan kau, tapi itu bukanlah yang sebenar-benarnya. terutama sekali aku tidak pernah menganggap keadaan menjadi lebih teruk dari tahun lepas kerana bagiku kau telah menjadi lebih baik tahun ini dan aku amat bersyukur, kerana percaya atau tidak aku berdoa berkenaan perkara ini untuk kebaikan kehidupan kita semua. dan tidak kisahlah apa yang berlaku dalam proses kita memperbaiki kehidupan kita itu, asalkan dapat menjadi lebih baik dan bahagia. jika kau menjerit kepadaku dalam library pun, aku tetap dapat menerimanya. aku telah dapat menggambarkan keadaan sekiranya apa yang aku lakukan hari itu diketahui, seteruk mana pun, bagaikan tau-tau saja ia akan diketahui walaupun aku cuba untuk ia tidak berlaku. dan mungkin sekali aku sudah biasa dengan keadaan seperti itu, dan aku telah pun sedia untuk menerimanya. aku rela kau melepaskan perasaanmu sebegitu daripada diam sahaja, atas keputusan kau sendiri bahawa aku tidak memahami apa-apa. hanya kerana perkataan maaf atau marah, kau membuat keputusan tidak mahu memberitahu aku apa-apa. aku pula kadangkala tidak tahu apa pula yang harus dilakukan, kerana aku tahu terus diam pasti sesuatu yang kau benci. memperkatakan marah, adalah suatu perkara yang aku fikirkan ketika itu. you're angry, that's my thought, but i wasn't sure that was the case. akhirnya aku tidak pasti kenapa kau terus membisu walaupun seakan-akan mahu memperkatakan banyak perkara. banyak perkara aku tidak tahu, dan kau harus beritahu aku sekiranya aku harus faham. dan sesungguhnya, aku mahu memahami. dengan hanya memandang aku sahaja aku tidak dapat menangkap mesej yang kau ingin sampaikan. kadangkala aku juga berbuat begitu. belum lagi menceritakan apa-apa lagi, telah pun membuat keputusan bahawa pihak yang lagi satu tidak memahami keadaan aku. dan akhirnya, salah faham telah berlaku. aku dalam proses untuk membaiki skil komunikasi aku, dengan tidak hanya berdiam diri sepanjang masa seperti tahun lepas. aku tahu aku masih mempunyai banyak benda perlu diperbaiki, dan aku percaya kau juga begitu. aku percaya itulah yang termasuk dalam kehidupan baru yang kau katakan. dan aku cuba untuk memahami. dan sebagai manusia, bukanlah aku dapat memahaminya seratus peratus. mungkin sebahagian dari kehidupan baru itu... hanya cadangan... kau berterus-terang dengan ku.

aku sudah biasa jika kau mahu memaki aku. asalkan kau dapat berterus-terang dengan aku. aku hanya menangis jika kau berdiam diri, tandanya kau berahsia: it is like anger in silence. dan perkataan malas dari kau itu sendiri membuat kuterasa: apa lagi yang dapat kulakukan, jika dia mahu aku memahami, tapi enggan memberitahuku apa-apa. dan dengan itu aku bertindak mengatakan benda lain daripada yang aku fikirkan asalnya, mengetahui kau tidak dapat berterus-terang kepada aku.