Sometimes we all need something new to initiate a change of mood. Sometimes we make sudden decisions we never thought we'd make, ideas that popped into our heads out of nowhere.
Enough silliness. Straight to the point.
I am not sure what idea popped into my head, at least not clearly. All I know is, this will be my last post on this very blog. No need to say things like, oh I have had such a great time posting things since, ever (the first post here was made in 2006) because let's face it; it's not that I have been posting much anymore here, anyway, and the posts are just a bunch of grumbling by a distorted, clueless, short person (me) who keeps repeating the same points. I guess that is why I am moving away, to another one, like a change of atmosphere.
Another silliness? Maybe. Who knows. Let's just try things out. And my mind is too messy to give it a title, for now.
In any case, take care everyone. Let us become even better people, day by day.
no title - http://crazynified.blogspot.com
Another silliness? 23.2.13
Sleepy 21.2.13
labels: feelings
Solitude, Part II 23.1.12
Recap (written in August 2008): Solitude (Part I)
The world is forever changing. Everyone and everything is always evolving, not knowing ultimately whether for better or worse. For her though, certain things still remain the same, although the conditions and the feelings relating to them have probably changed somewhat.
Solitude. The state of being alone.
It was October 2010. She walked around campus on her own as usual, with her worn off black bag, without any particular destination in mind. Rather, she was simply hoping to bump in to maybe one of her classmates around the tables in the study area at one of the building levels, where she had previously seen them hanging around before. That kind of situation might have been a common sight during the usual class days but not really then during the last one month before exam period. The last ever examination she would have in university, and then off she would go to the next phase of life. In her mind, she had no idea what she was going to do. In her mind, yes the exam was around the corner but she was not in the mood to study, simply because she was alone. Where is everyone that she knew and enjoyed talking to? What kind of feeling is this? Shouldn't she be focusing on the exams that would later affect her life later on should she fail in the last semester rather than think about why she felt so alone? Or maybe, it is better to think about the future career and decide what path she should be walking next - like what would be her goal for next year?
But she did not know any of the answers. She was not interested in the answers to those questions right now. What was this feeling? She simply felt empty. She had simply got used to it. That feeling had been with her throughout the years and she never knew how to change it. She kept it all to herself and hid it while she was trying to go on living her life like all her other peers. It simply was not the case of loneliness felt by everyone at some point in time in their life, it couldn't be; because she felt that way way too often, and was an everyday issue back in her adolescent and teenage years. No one seemed to have noticed anything since everyone had often been busy with their own life to take care of and if the problem was even a valid problem, it was not so obvious. She had probably faked her happiness so well, pretending like everything was okay as if it all seemed fine and blissful.
She had always thought it was okay to be on her own. She had always survived. For that, she had to do some things on her own and thus had been able to become somewhat more independent. But in some ways, there were still a lot of things that she had been afraid of and others that she did not know about; in other words, she had always been hiding from and ignoring most of her surroundings until then. She was still a kid inside, not knowing much about real life.
If it had been the similar bad events that have followed through in her life, it only came in because of her own actions. Therefore, her own actions are the cause of her own unhappiness; with that said, only she could do something about it. Only she could work for her own happiness.
Although it was probably a fake world without happiness, sometimes it brings peace. That is why people need to be alone when they don't wanna be disturbed. Still, I know this too well, too much can be harmful for the state of mind. It's just that some people are already used to it - it's a part of our life, people like us. Freakish weirdos of complex, non-talkative and secretive introverted bakas. For me, I learn to give up some part of it to have a bit of good laughter in my life, for a change. As humans, we do need it. I still needed craze.
Not only was the happiness fake, it was also a lonely world for her. It was not peace, just emptiness. Nobody was meant to go through such a complex life, full of secrets and reservation thinking it was simply meant to be. If anything, only the people can change themselves for the better.
Remembering one of the more memorable teachers she had in school, she had always vividly remembered this one woman who had always talked in her Living Skills class about many random and funny things. Although she could not remember her name, she did remember one thing that the teacher said in class.
"The more people you meet, the more matured you'd become."
It did not make any sense back then because she thought, even without meeting up with people, a person can still grow and become a good, matured person as long as she had the right thinking and attitude. But eventually, that statement seems to grow truer as she was growing up and meeting more people than she ever thought she would. It seemed ironic; the only words she never believed in the beginning when she first heard them were the words that she truly believed in later in life and the only thing she ever remembered, to be useful words in life, coming from a teacher. Other words had gone in and out of her head. Those words were memorable enough probably because they were the key to unlock every other problem in her life; the more people she would meet, the more information she could gather about life from different people of different personalities and varying lifestyles, and the better equipped she would be in handling life's troubles and thus, the more matured she would eventually become. Without other people, you will probably not learn anything new to develop yourself as a person. Every person should have unique experience in their life, thus everyone would be telling you a different story. In the end, it is up to your judgment to take in what you have learned from other people and adapt that in your own journey. And that is how you grow.
The cynical smiles. The annoying grins. The moronic stares. The trashy attitude. All because of quietness and solitude. Why is she always on her own? Why is she always so quiet? Doesn't she feel lonely being all by herself? Are all these, the pity that came in from society and the sympathy they put on us for being what we are, just because we don't talk as much or be with everyone else as much?
So came in her anger; she hated being pitied just because she was always on her own. Thus came in this conclusion: if you see someone always being all on his/her own, ask no questions. They do not need your damn pity.
Being alone or quiet, is seemingly a not-so-normal thing; it always annoys the society so much, apparently, they can't keep quiet about it or leave us alone, is it so?
It is not a norm to be alone in this society. Most people in the society prefer to be in social contact when there are other people around and most people like it and enjoy it this way. Nothing is wrong with that. It is also probably normal that when they see other people, like her, is spending most of her time alone, they become curious. Reserved, quiet, introverted people do not reveal much of themselves and who they are, making others become even more curious about who these people are . The thing that makes people curious, get them talking about it. If the curiosity regarding the person is added with some of his or her other behaviour that again is thought as bizarre and not commonly practised, people are simply going to think that the person is just strange. That is how the world functions. Maybe. Although we cannot please everyone, we have to adapt to the world somehow.
She got used to it. Being in a world of her own. A so-called comfy zone in solitude. Nobody else to worry about, nothing else to get mad at, no one to make her sad. If anything, it's just her; anything good, it must be from Him, anything bad, it only came from her own actions.
She wanted to open up more to the world around her. It no longer felt okay to be alone, too much. It would be okay if it felt all right, but the fact was, it did not. Some people preferred to be alone because they wanted to be and does not mind being alone, fine with that. It is probably true that everyone needs their own time spent with only themselves. However, when you claim you prefer to be alone but later wonders what is wrong with you for feeling upset and empty for being on your own, you are the one confused. She was sure she lived in denial before, and now she is admitting her mistakes. She could not immediately go and reach out to change her previous conditions, but at the very least now she is slowly trying to make amends to live a better, more fulfilled life.
Whatever it is, solitude = great.
Solitude = great only when necessary. Everyone still needs their own space sometimes. But too much of something, can be a bad thing. There is a need to strike a balance in the things you do.
It is now 2012. It is only the beginning. To every ending, there is a new beginning.
Meaningful reminder 10.7.11
Birthdays never seemed to mean anything much. Just a day that marks you are a year older according to the Gregorian calendar. Year by year, it separates you from other people who were born in a different year and date. It separates you from the sister who has had 3 more birthdays than you, who would be the next in line for a married life. It separates you from your other older sister, who has had 7 more birthdays than you, who has a 2-year-old daughter and a son just a few months old. It separates you from your eldest sister, who already has her son in the first year of primary school and a 4-year-old daughter. It separates you from your mother, who has had 24 more birthdays than you, now already retired just as your father, who has had 25 more birthdays than you and is often heard talking about politics.
I guess birthdays are no longer that simple now. It does mark that your age has increased one year older, but it could also make you question, what has changed since the last birthday you had. Have you learned something new in your life? Did you grow as a person? Have you done more in your life than you previously wished to, or did wishes remain simply as dreamy wishes? Are you still as dreamy but not someone who is a doer and a more determined person? Are you still confused? Are you more assured of who you are now? Do you have more questions than the answers?
Maybe I hoped that someone would remind me of this. That as a year progresses in my life, I have lost more than 520,000 minutes of my life. And I have always thought in my head, how 5 minutes can be precious; but this thought somehow always gets lost somewhere and I ended up wasting it often enough somehow. I do not need to be reminded by a birthday cake or a day out at a dining restaurant, the typical ways of birthday celebrations, though I still do this. I am simply hoping for some more meaning to it. With such meaningful reminders, I would go for another year, doing better things for myself and maybe for others, fulfil myself and become even better as a person. Maybe I need a nudge from another person other than myself. Though, this nudge did not come to me this year as previously. Maybe I was waiting for it somehow, but nothing came. It was pretty disappointing.
That sucks. But life goes on.
Continue, please. 11.6.11
The world of expressive writing. I missed it. I have ignored it, to my loss.
My thoughs have been disorganised and I thought simply putting out all the scattered thoughts with words probably will not be useful for me. But it feels different now (although my thoughts are still scattered around and appear randomly and probably will always be).
Reading my old posts, I felt like such a kid whining about nothing good on an online blog though I know at the time, I had my reasons for my every post. Indeed, I could agree that I was such a dreamy kid before and I do not know if I am still such, so much so. I will keep the old posts, because I can tell in the future what I was in the past by what I wrote back then.
From now on, even if it is just bit by bit, I will continue to write. To let the words flow. It will be a mark for me to know how I felt at a certain time, what happened that caused me to feel the need to write it in words, why it is so, when it happened and what I probably learned or thought about it. Because, I usually end up forgetting about something I thought of as a significant event, which may or may not resurface in my mind in the future and that will be a loss for me and my learning. I would like to understand myself better through what I write, and this actually works quite well sometimes if not all the time. Even if the writing does not go on here, it should somewhere on paper.
A wise man said, "The day I die is when people will find me with a pen and a paper as that's where my passion follows in journalism." Or something like that. Actually it was not the Gandhi kind of wise man either, he is just an ordinary man who seems very passionate in what he does, someone I met almost 4 weeks ago in PJ. The fact that he said what he said alone, made me think he was really not just any ordinary man, just simply because he kept on with his passion.
On 6th June 2011, "...because I just figured out that writing is one of my necessities in life...
...It also allows me to explore what's hidden inside my head, which only flows out when I am writing, as if my pen acts as the scavennger. Ideas, issues, problems, solutions, it can be anything. Leave it and it leaves me behind, or get stuck there, rotten forever.
I don't care what is thought of me as I keep the pen moving. It's a way to access my creativity and I'll keep doing it. I've left it unexplored for the longest time before. Then suddenly, several people start pointing out to me how good my language skills are. Should I let it pass me by? I don't think so. It would have been a waste. It should be kept on going...
...And what others think should not matter. Because they don't look at this the same way. It is my way of doing things..."
The Freedom Writers Diary movie caught my attention some years ago because the students, who each had their own story of problems but had nowhere to turn to, took to writing to let it all out, something that got initiated by their teacher. Lately, I have remembered that I too have always been writing to let it all out, ever since I was 12, at least, although I have stopped somewhere in between that time till now. Why let it get away now?
words you choose 6.6.10
Words can inspire and make a change. Choose your words and pass it to people. Careful in the words you have chosen, for they could hurt someone. Or, don't you care about others at all?
reason 29.5.10
Everything happens for a reason. I believe so. There is a reason lying in everything that occurs around us, whether it's apparent or not, whether it's even related to you or maybe it's just for some other person or living thing. Occurrence of A may lead to the happening of B which could result in C.
If it rains today at this particular time and not tomorrow.
The sun shines wildly just as you walk out of the house.
Being told frankly you're boring.
Having a friend who smiles as he tells you, "maybe you should be more optimistic about it."
Getting chased by a dog.
An apparent stranger smiling at you.
Coming across another website from your email.
Being ignored for no obvious reasons.
Finding a piece of note someone else has written left on the library desk.
Loss of electricity on the night before exam.
Meeting a familiar person at an unfamiliar place.
Indeed some situations pass by us without triggering any thought, some just don't mean anything to us, some make us feel good, some are funny, some are considered stupid, some annoy us, some make us sick, some trouble us, some are saddening, some are just plain bad. But underneath it all, negatives aside, it's probably related to or leading to something better for us, able to make us think something that never crossed our minds before, could even be a life-changing situation. Who knows?
this soul 25.5.10
this soul finds it is really hard to breathe.
it is really tired somehow.
finding inner peace on her own
this soul just wants to be heard, but not to be seen
just for a person to listen willingly.
dear soul,
maybe being complicated makes you even harder to get to know.
it pushes people away
but somehow, it is what this soul is.
my dear soul,
your smile and your eyes together are your best assets you have
so, please smile
and take all your pain out for the moment.
so many things 11.4.10
So many things...
left unsaid.
kept in my head.
that should have been spoken.
that I make mistakes of.
I am afraid of.
worrying me.
that make no sense at all, but bugs me anyway.
stopping me from doing what I want.
made me put up an invisible wall between myself and others.
make me wonder, what can I do about it?
that I can still do.
left to do, and I will do.
For the while that I will keep living, I should keep striving.
mak dan abah kata 1.4.10
Di suatu majlis kenduri doa selamat di rumah kakakku, sempena kakak aku yang baru pindah rumah, seorang jiran pernah tengok aku dan berkata, ni sorang ni nape tak cakap pape pun?
Abah kata, nak tau apa yang aku fikir, tengoklah Facebook dia.
Mak kata, mungkin aku macam tak banyak cakap, tapi sekali cakap, hah... keluarlah terus benda yang unexpected.
mentalness 15.3.10
Are you mentally retarded or something?
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that to anyone. But it definitely comes out a lot out there. I really dislike it when I hear something like that. The people who say such things and alike, are what I call ignorant people. And I can't even blame them for it because they just don't know much about the field of mental health. Mental illness does not equate to being literally crazy. Maybe it's a problem, since I do not know how else to put it, go ask a psychiatrist. Seeing a psychiatrist too doesn't mean you're really off. There's just another whole different story to it.
Just a thought. Ah, the recent posts, are all 'crazy' stuff? =.= Thank God I am still sane after all this while.
digilakan 21.1.10
Aku rasa bagaikan aku akan digilakan. CRAZYNIFIED. Dalam diriku aku banyak berfikir. Di luar skop yang normal. Mungkin berlainan dari tanggapan orang lain di kelilingku tapi aku pun tidak tahu adakah tanggapanku benar, yang kufikirkan tak salah, walaupun bukan kumaksudkan tanggapan mereka salah. Dan aku tak tahu bagaimana nak mengatasinya. Satu-satunya cara adalah memohon kepada-Nya. Hanya Dia yang memahami apa yang berada di dalam benak fikiranku, dan hanya Dia yang tahu kebenarannya. Di dalam dunia yang semakin tidak pasti ini, aku sudah semakin keliru. Permudahkanlah keadaan ini untukku, dan tenangkanlah aku.
to talk or not to talk 9.1.10
a good and bad rambling 4.1.10
Hello 2010. How is it going so far?
I haven't been posting much since I didn't think there is anything good or interesting to share. I did realize the too many ramblings I have, some good some bad, and there I see there are quite a lot of bad that I keep repeating. Why repeat the same negative rambling? Oh well it's fine sometimes but I think I have doing too much of it. Ah, I am probably doing it right now.
I just thought we ought to try to cut out on the negativity that surrounds us and happens to us sometimes, and focus on the good stuff that happens. Like how Jason Mraz is pulling on his blog. I wouldn't agree with everything, but out of everything you see or hear or read, you can think for yourself whether it's really good or bad. I don't praise GLBT as I know it's wrong. But if I ever met a person who is in the group, it doesn't mean I should say "you suck" or stuff like that just because they are in the wrong way. Islam sure doesn't teach you to curse someone else when they are doing something wrong. You should try to show them the way, the rest depends on them.
There when you do set your focus on the bad stuff, you might think that there is little thing left to say. Is there so much badness in the society today? Apparently so. It hurts to see, of course it's worse to think about it. Take the bad, make the good out of it. Better. So we won't really have that little stuff to say after all. But when all a person does is complain, now that is annoying. You see that everywhere.
Take the annoyance and make good out of it. Still trying to do that. I am no perfect person, and always appreciates it if someone would correct me if I did or said something wrong.
when you least expect it 29.12.09
I haven't used them yet, the MPH vouchers. RM150 given by the ever-so-kind Monash University. Given to me last September, now I only have 3 months left to use it up. I never thought I would be able to use it, since I don't know what kind of books I wanna buy. No need to suggest me any academic books - this is only precious enough for a book you really want to read! Something you would treasure even after you read it.
language, work and studies 4.12.09
The blog here is getting rusty again. I just thought to myself the other day, there is nothing much that I can write about. Sometimes I thought, rather than babbling about something useless, it's better if I don't write at all, yet, until I can come up with something better, a new idea or something, to write about.
This is a bilingual blog. Sometimes it's in English, sometimes it is in Malay, sometimes a mix. A true lover of Bahasa Melayu definitely won't like such a mix, also called rojak. Maybe sometimes rojak seems to make no sense, oh other than literally the rojak food itself which isn't something I am that big a fan of although I still eat it sometimes. The definite reasons for writing in English and why I like English sometimes - I can't put a finger on them, or explain it much. I just like English sometimes. Other times English is too complicated - by the way I think English is a complicated language, I never said it's easy, definitely... Bahasa Melayu memang lagi senang. Bahasa Melayu adalah straight to the point, takde kona-kona, letak imbuhan jadi makna lain, perkataan asas mudah nak ingat, walaupun perkataan dalam Bahasa Melayu kadang-kadang panjang sangat nak sebut (antara sebab amik English kadang-kadang). Contohnya... brooch dan kerongsang. Ada je orang yang sebut kerongsang, tapi bandingkan perkataan 3 suku kata ni dengan brooch yang kira 1 suku kata memanglah senang lagi sebut brooch. Untuk English pulak tak semestinya format penggunaan kata-katanya sama je untuk tiap jenis ayat... ah, nak terangkan pun aku tak reti.
But what was that? A language lesson? I am not qualified. All I'm saying is, I still love my first language, I also still like English. But to me they have their own flaws. Certain people also ruined it for me, such as by Malay-ing an English word that should not have been, since its pronunciation sucks when transformed. e.g. plagiat. The word sounds weird no matter how you look at it or whatever reasons you created it. Just borrow the English word, what's bad about it?
These days I have started working for my internship. It's an office environment, a small place with no more than 5 people here including me, the permanent employees and the CEO. I have been assigned the project involving commercialization of a bio-pesticide product, now in the middle of handling report completion (compiling data and information from other parties). An intern assigned with a project? It's great that I've had help from the CEO so far. Of course, I'm doing it under her, you can't expect me to handle it all on my own since I'm new. Yeah well, I prefer dealing with lab apparatus actually. Sitting in the office like this is probably not bad, but not much into it for me. Does Ifyani miss the pipettes and chemical reagents of the Monash lab? I guess so.
And Monash just sent me the results yesterday. Alhamdulillah thank God primarily, in short I managed to pass all. Cellular Metabolism was really the deadliest subject anyone could ever encounter, maybe, but I managed to get through it. For anyone who did better than a Pass, well, you people did very well! I envy you all. Heheh. Keep up the good job anyways, everyone! And people, if you didn't manage to do as good as you might have hoped, it's not the end. It has a meaning, seriously. You just have to keep trying! I will, definitely this time, for my final year, try to do better. It's a very important year for me. I won't be a student anymore after that, at least not for a while anymore until I could again continue my studies - which may be more difficult than I thought since I don't really have the money for postgraduate levels just yet. But I'll try my best anyway. I will definitely miss the moment of being a student when I get out, so I should treasure it as much as I could while it's here.
No one can bring us down!
word #3 = luser 7.11.09
get out... or go out 29.10.09
My room. Wherever that my room turns out to be, as long as I am living in there. The room is dark, gloomy and lonely. Although it remains as a long-time comfort zone for me, where I can do anything I like without caring about anything or anyone else, it always has this sad, dark feeling that it buries within me. Negativity surrounds me.
Thus what I need to do, although it has always been the safest place to be, is to get out of there. Exit the darkness.
Been stuck in the inside world for so long. The world outside has many opportunities, strange behaviours, inhumane actions and pain; a person should just get out and experience it, regardless of the weirdness and risks involved. A person can always learn something. But don't overdo it.
So, whatever the problem you have today, don't just weep indoors. Go out. Wherever, whatever. Because the outside world wants to connect with you. Baca Bismillah sebelum keluar...
pathetique 21.10.09
Di pagi-pagi buta sekali lagi... orang lain sedap tidur. Aku hanya berjaya tidur 1 jam dan buat masa ni aku tak nak kembali tidur lagi.
Buat apa pagi-pagi ni?
Mendengar lagu Beethoven's The Pathetique berulang kali. Yep, aku memang sukakannya. Sekarang ni ada dua versi dalam playlist aku, 1 daripadanya 18 minit lebih itu pun aku dengar beberapa kali, kejap saja melihat masa dah berlalu. Siapa lagi agaknya suka muzik klasik yang satu pun ambik masa berbelas minit nak habis? Kalau ada, jom kongsi minat dengan aku. Tapi pelik juga, dah suka classical music, pun juga suka alternative rock, agak contra tapi kalau dah suka apa boleh buat. Semalam Beethoven, esok Switchfoot, lepas tu pergi ke Mozart tak pun Bach, kemudian Yellowcard mungkin. Tapi aku ni tak pernah pula suka Simple Plan. Terpulang kepada artis tu sebenarnya. Oleh itu kalau nak kata aku ni dah makin tua sebab sangat suka dengar lagu klasik dan ini adalah hanya satu contoh daripada banyak-banyak classical music, ada betulnya. Orang lain dengar classical music terus mengantuk, jangan harap nak dengar lagu klasik konon untuk lagi inspire time belajar, tapi lain untuk aku.
Tak mengantuk pun, lagi suka adalah.
Memang dah tua kot aku ni. Cuma badan dan suara je bagaikan budak kecik.
it sucks to grow up 18.10.09
stop pretending
and really go on living
the way you really are
6+ am. ini adalah masa di mana kebanyakan orang tengah tidur dan paling liat nak bangun. aku pula telah tidur siang dan berjaga malam. mendengar lagu acceptance - take cover. aku tak ingat kewujudan lagu ni, dah agak lama rasanya, dan aku suka lagu ni setelah dengar dari streaming radio sky.fm alternative rock melalui screamer radio software. tapi kata-kata di atas bukanlah lirik dari lagu tu.ada juga lagu ben folds - still fighting it. dalam lagu ni pula boleh la dipetik kata-kata "it sucks to grow up".
itulah antara kepelikan yang berlaku kini
di ambang waktu peperiksaan
tiba-tiba tertanya-tanya mengapa aku seorang pelajar begini
memikirkan ilmu yang begitu kompleks dalam kepalaku
padahal aku dah cukup kompleks memikirkan keadaan mentalku sekarang
layakkah aku berada di sini?
sebenarnya hidup ini terasa di tahap itu sekali lagi.
kali terakhir aku berasa begini adalah tahun 2007.
biarpun hari yang berlalu berasa lebih baik berbanding hari-hari yang lepas
masalah itu tetap ada di situ.
bagaikan tiada penyelesaian.
and as she told me
how would you expect anyone to see you cry
if you don't show it?
if you don't talk about it?
but then how do I talk it out
when I already know the common stuff you were gonna say
would a person just try to look at things from a different perspective
and for once
give me a new opinion?
same thoughts, same thing.
