Aku hidup dalam pencarian.
Kini aku berada di Kulim, di rumah kakakku dan menggunakan internet di sini buat pertama kalinya dengan celcom broadband. Di sini, salah satu perkara unik yang akan dihadapi hampir tiap kali aku melawat keluarga kakakku yang tinggal di rumah ini ialah keadaan tiap kali anak saudara lelaki aku dimarahi oleh ibunya dan merajuk. Bukan apa, ia kelakar; cakap orang tak mahu didengar, maka dia dimarahi dan akhirnya dia akan menangis, menjerit dengan kuat dan menghentak-hentak kaki tanpa mahu disentuh sesiapa. Kau akan tahu yang keadaan sudah kembali reda bila volume suaranya yang awal-awal kuat tadi makin perlahan dan dia akan buat hal lagi. Itulah selalunya keadaan di sini. Bayangkan keadaan kau begitu semasa kecil dulu masa berumur 3 - 4 tahun.
Jadi, aku akan pergi ke Arau, Perlis pula selepas ini. Di sana keadaannya lebih menarik, bertemu keluarga belah mak yang banyak telatah kelakar. Kebanyakan mereka juga sudah lanjut usia, yalah, mak pun bongsu dari 7 adik-beradik. Aku yang paling lama tak balik ke sana berbanding dengan orang lain dalam keluargaku sekarang, memandangkan aku ini "selalu sibuk". Ugh.
Tapi apa pun aku tetap gembira tiap kali balik ke sana. Adik-beradik mak ialah tukang masak terhandal sekali yang aku tahu seumur hidupku. Walaupun aku lah yang paling diam tiap kali berada dengan saudara mara, dan tidak seaktif yang lain, dan tak banyak nak membuat apa-apa kerana tak tahu melainkan diajar dan disuruh (takut buat salah), aku tetap suka berada di kampung ini. Buat suatu masa, aku akan berasa suka hati dan lupa segala perkara yang membelenggukan kepala otakku ini bila berada dengan mereka ramai-ramai. Kekosongan tetap dirasai kadang kala, mungkin sekali itu memang keadaan hidupku. Jika tiada kekosongan itu, aku mungkin selalu dan lebih banyak lagi bersuara dalam hidupku. Tidaklah aku kadang-kadang termenung tanpa sebab yang nyata. Dan aku juga mungkin mempunyai lebih banyak rakan. Dan sesiapa yang teman serumah denganku tidaklah pula berasa bosan mempunyai roommate seperti aku ni. Terbukti, sejak aku masih sekolah berasrama, aku memang jenis tak berapa rapat dengan rakan sebilik/serumah. Lebih kuranglah, kecuali di plkn sahaja. Di luar rumah, mungkin aku lebih aktif dengan orang lain. Lebih kurang di rumah di Seremban, aku bagaikan terlalu pasif. Di situ, sering handphone aku tinggalkan terabai, hinggakan habis bateri atau habis kredit pun tidak selalu ku kisah. Tunggulah bermulanya semula kelas (jika cuti duduk di rumah), baru hendak kisah apa yang berlaku dengannya. Maka boleh expect aku tidak reply jika sesiapa yang menghantar mesej. Aku rasa handphone itu memanglah penting untuk berhubung, tapi bagi aku tak payahlah hendak cari yang canggih sangat. Sebab aku tahu aku hanya akan excited dengan segala functions yang ada mula-mula sahaja, lepas itu, selalunya aku akan jarang gunakannya.
Jadi?
Aku masih mencari sesuatu. Aku tak begitu pasti apakah ia. Walaupun aku seharusnya bersyukur dengan apa yang sudah ada. Di dalam sifatku yang terlalu diam berada di rumah dan saudara, aku masih diterima. Walaupun aku tetap berasa kadangkala aku diketepikan, bagaikan aku hanya memainkan satu peranan yang kecil sahaja dalam keluargaku berbanding yang lain. Mungkin aku sendiri tidak berusaha untuk menjadi lebih berperanan.
Aku kira aku suka menolong orang. Cuma tak pula suka-suka mengoffernya kerana agak segan T_T. Untuk itu, dalam sesetengah perkara, aku dianggap terlalu baik. Tapi aku gemar pula bergurau dan membuat banyak belok kanan & kiri sebelum mahu menawarkan bantuan - mungkin aku mahu menentukan jika seseorang itu mahu menerima bantuan aku atau tidak. Mengapa mahu selalu tolong orang sebenarnya? Mungkin itu caranya aku menyumbat kekosongan aku, bagi akulah. Jadi adakah ia sesuatu yang tak patut, bagaikan Nakahara Misaki dalam Welcome to N.H.K.? Tapi bukan setiap perkara akan aku tolong. Aku mencari sesuatu yang unik dalam setiap pertolongan yang aku berikan, tidak bermakna aku mengharapkan balasan. Dari sesuatu yang aku mungkin dapat dari itu, ia memberi aku kepuasan, kegembiraan. Dan seboleh-bolehnya aku mengelak mengatakan apa-apa atau merungut dalam memberi pertolongan itu walaupun ia sukar. Tapi aku manusia, tak dapatlah menjadi begitu sempurna. Teringatkan lagu Sempurna: bagaikan tidak suka lagu itu untuk liriknya, tapi menyukainya untuk musiknya sahaja kerana gitarnya. Tiada apa yang sempurna zaman kini selain Tuhan sendiri, dan bagiku mengatakan seseorang itu sempurna adalah mengarut walaupun itu hanya lagu untuk seorang kekasih. Haha, memang aku sendiri rasa pelik dengan pendapatku ini. Lagu Kamek Sayang Kitak itu sendiri lagi bagus.
Aku juga berharap dapat berkongsi apa-apa dalam hidupku ini yang dapat menggembirakan seseorang kerana dengan berbuat itu sendiri aku akan gembira. Walau sekecil mana pun perkara itu asalkan dapat memberikannya kegembiraan walaupun sementara. Walaupun aku tak dapat define dengan pasti apakah itu kegembiraan itu sendiri dalam hidupku, bagiku. There is no such thing as eternal happiness for me, unless when you go to heaven, someday. Selepas tiap kegembiraan akan ada suatu masa yang membuatkan kita down. Jadi, walaupun dapat memberi kegembiraan walaupun sekejap kepadanya, aku sudah sedia gembira, walaupun aku tahu ia tidak berkekalan. Dan walaupun pada masa down, aku tetap akan bersamanya jika diperlukan dan tidak mengganggunya jika diminta, aku faham akan masa yang diperlukan untuk berseorangan. Pergilah buat benda lain buat sementara. Dan bila tiba masanya aku harap dapat membuatnya ketawa lagi, kegembiraannya saja sudah cukup. Walaupun aku mungkin tidak akan dapat menyelesaikan masalah sesiapa dengan hanya berada dalam hidup mereka, aku harap aku akan tetap dapat membawa suatu perubahan yang lebih baik walau sekecil mana pun. Aku mencari, untuk aku berikan kegembiraan walaupun untuk 2 saat (and hence) dapat membuatkan aku gembira juga. Skil yang aku suka mengenai seseorang hanyalah secara utamanya, able to talk and listen to others. Walaupun yang aku kira selama ini, orang yang aku suka ialah orang yang senget semuanya. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing, though. Aku sendiri senget orangnya, cuma tak diketahui saja. Itulah yang unik mengenainya. Aku boleh membuat kesimpulan di sini bahawa aku suka orang yang senget, not literally.
Dan dalam waktu down yang sering melanda ni, musik lah antara sahabat terbaik. Genre utama kegemaran aku ialah rock, dan itu pun bergantung juga. Aku lebih kepada alternative rock atau adult alternative. Sesuatu yang rancak, lively dan memberi inspirasi atau semangat. Tapi certain rock yang agak berat aku tak suka seperti Korn atau Limp Bizkit, walaupun aku suka juga Muse (beratkah?). Dan aku tidak gemar hip-hop sekarang atau R&B atau sama adik-beradik dengannya, kecuali sesetengah lagu sahaja. Aku dengar semula lagu-lagu klasik zaman dahulu... bukanlah begitu lama, sebenarnya. Zaman lagu 90'an adalah yang terbaik, bagi akulah terutama untuk Malaysia. Dari KRU ke Ukay's ke Umbrella ke BSB ke Aerosmith ke Bryan Adams ke Richard Marx, kebanyakannya aku suka, tak kiralah kapak, gergaji atau pop. Zaman sekarang ini aku jarang pula dengar radio, tetap ada yang best, cuma sumber musik aku ialah internet - google, top charts, limewire, torrents etc. Tak pun lagu-lagu instrumental atau orchestra seperti soundtrack dari anime atau drama Jepun.
Heh, dan aku sangat suka lagu old school Janji Tinggal Janji ini.
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Now playing: KRU - Janji Tinggal Janji
via FoxyTunes
pencarian 28.9.08
unforsaken memory - part 1 22.9.08
Whoa. As I went back home last Thursday all till Sunday, I found one of my most worthless yet most precious belongings. Worthless, when I look at it with lots of dust and how it looks so simplistic, as if there is nothing important in it. Precious, when open it up and there's so many inside of this thing that I worked hard upon, although it was a strange effort that never really met its end.
Here I found my chocolate-coloured book about 400 pages thick, but I managed to write some lot of about 300 pages in it, basically not using much of anything but a pencil. 300, ya know! It was my national service diary that I began working on 17th April 2006, at which that time I kept telling myself I would write everything I could remember about what I had been through in those 3 months at Kem Seri Perkasa Mantin, Negeri Sembilan, from the simplest matter of what we laughed about in the dorm of about 30 girls late at night before being yelled at to go to sleep up until the detail of every competition that we all entered together. I never finished this writing, then I felt like banging my head against the wall for not being able to do so and finish what I started like I wanted to. I wanted to write every detail I could, coz I really didn't want to forget anything that ever happened there that I shared with those I got to know there.
Opening up pages randomly, already I found something amusing. Something about KJ (Ketua Jurulatih). After Isyak done at the surau (jemaah), we all had to go the hall, listening to the KJ membebel and marah2. We all would sleep in this assembly rather than listen to him. Rather also, I always sleep from the moment he began talking till suddenly I heard the plastic chairs around began moving - KJ had already yelled out his nightly instruction to line up according to your company (group) in 10 seconds. Then I found myself, lining up slowly, till everything was silent, just waiting for KJ to release us to bed. What was amusing here was that maybe twice or so, I fell asleep standing while lining up here at such a time. Yeah! Every 5 seconds we managed to sleep was beautiful. Even for me who slept standing only to wake up being laughed at by other girls around me.
Hah, KJ had a close resemblance to Nabil Fikri in looks and behaviour which I suddenly thought about! No hard feelings. :D
Yo - bad sunburn, sneaked to take pictures in the Kenegaraan class during riadah, the class activities of Kenegaraan were similar to BTN modules.
National service had a deep meaning; I won't ever regret, it taught me things I won't ever forget. Sad stuff often turned to happy thoughts when I remember it, the silliness and patheticness. Lets ya forget bout the truly unmanageable bakarashi problems being tagged to ya in your present life now! Hey, just to name one: poco-poco. Haha~ silly yet it turned out to be fun.
In the future I'll be reminiscing about it again. Hear my plkn blabbing. :D
scream in anger
There was a guy in school that became the talk of everybody in the beginning of 2005, er, rather to say, not that there was a guy, he's still out there somewhere. In UTM, I think. But sure I'm not too sure what he's up to now, just pretty much like how it goes for most of everybody else that I haven't been in contact with these days - school, national service, matriculation or even ausmat. Even if some of these people have significant meaning in my life, like those people in national service I was close with (even if I only got to know them for less than 3 months) and those nice people from Ausmat. As time goes by, I always sorta lose contact with them all if they are not a part of my present life. Not actually lost contact, just that I hardly ever talk to them much anymore. I am simply not good in trying to keep the connection running with those who are far from me. This can be different in the case for long-distance relationships which I know some people out there do not believe in and say they do not work; but for me, I believe in it. For me, if both parties can tolerate well with each other, not taking it for granted and do the right thing to keep in contact without losing that feel they have for each other, it will last.
Ah, back to the there was a guy thing. He was my classmate back in 2005, whose name is Uways. Quite well known as he first came around, stories about him flew around school everywhere. I wouldn't tell any of it, not that I know if those stories were even true. Besides, a thing of someone's past should be left behind if he wishes not to carry it forward with him. When many left that school that year for a better one to go through their last year of school and SPM, this guy transferred here to nothing-much-MRSM-Batu Pahat, from MRSM Langkawi. Hm~
So I find myself updating my blog links these days and I got reminded of his blog that I found maybe over a year ago that influenced me to get me my own blog outside of Friendster. Such a persuasion! Don't get me wrong, Friendster's all right but it didn't seem enough for me (it has grown a lot these days, how cool). I found his blog interesting to read, even if he said his writing sucks (which I do not agree) - but yeah, agreeably, he sounds a lot better speaking. This was like speaker of the tournament for English debates whenever he took part. Somehow it felt sorta proud to be in the same team as he was, even though I was only a reserve who didn't do much. He might be considered one of those problematic people in school, always seeming to be the reason Miss Ida to go screaming in anger that eventually troubled the whole class, but looking at another perspective, I found him to be just okay and not that bad; I mean, not as troublesome as he was spoken to be. I should say, one of a kind. One thing that resulted from all of his actions: 5 Begonia became quite popular in 2005 among teachers. Popular if I were to put it - notorious, if some others would. It was great to be in that class, sometimes when considering all the funny acts that this guy and his fellow gang members put up with other peeps in class. I remember my then-roommate Hawa too were always screaming in anger because of what these guys had always done to her, like taking her stuff away and hiding them at at unknown or unreachable place. Hm, the cause-of-girls-to-scream-in-anger boys.
The interest to put his blog link up kinda went down in the drain, though. Not that the link vanished or anything, just the author is the one missing. I just put it up anyway. The blog has not been updated in a long while, probably since I last read it over a year ago. Disappointed, I guess. So some bloggers should know that some people could be reading their blog and should not quit (uh-oh, Rasyid dah sambung blogging, haha). Not that Uways officially quit, he just disappeared. If he would post, it'd be interesting for me to read again, even if it's just me who likes his blog posts. Not sure if I am too keen in the tech stuff he had written about, but still, there can be stuff I can learn from this mysterious fella, relating to my own life. There's always something you can learn from someone, no matter what kind of person he/she is.
:)
another tag................... 21.9.08
Always getting tagged these days. Huhu. I am mostly lazy to tag people and sometimes lazy to answer the tag. Nevertheless, here it goes, from Id.
State 15 weird things/ habits/ little known facts about yourself :
1. Quiet. especially when first knowing me.
2. At other times, depending on the topic or timing or situation or people, I can talk a lot more than one could expect.
3. Likes learning Japanese, loves Japanese music and wants to migrate there someday :D
4. boleh makan banyak pada suatu certain masa.. tambah nasi! ratah lauk!
5. tak suka kebab.
6. Loves McCHicken, and when i order by the set, it always comes with LARGE size, the small one is never enough even though I am small. OK, what's the deal always talking about food??
7. SLeep a lot, abah & mak slalu ucap good morning bila masa sememangnya dah bukan morning. leads to being nocturnal
8. Nak cari komik panjang doremon ttg nobita & doremon tuka jadi batu.. adeh, penah baca time kecik2, nak carik balik
9. Disorganised, especially my bed. Always doing work & most of everything on the bed
10. Music is a HUGE part of ma life. it could affect my mood. instrumental music & certain classics r great too :D
11. Penah pegi plkn - the era where my life truly began to feel worth it.
12. Likes strategy games. Jom bina empayar!
13. loves english grammar. notices errors quite on the spot :P not good in vocab.
14. pemalas. not hygienic like sister Id.
15. close to being Parkinson-netic. always having tremor and shivering.
I am sure there are more weird things bout me, just that I don't remember everything right now. =P
and malas to tag! Please do, if you want. :)
